


somatic

by telavasir



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-10-23 19:18:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telavasir/pseuds/telavasir
Summary: Lingering interest, hidden signals, misread body language, and a past that refuses to remain the past.





	1. Hard Not to Presume

 

Peebee, engrossed with her own irritation, found the qualities of the med bay valueless in comparison to the more recent details she’s found herself captivated with in recent months. Attentiveness came as more of a spatial quality than one meant to be consistently invested in; the environment always determined what did and didn't deserve her immediate attention.

The only quality she made note of within the medbay was the fact that there was just barely enough space to claim a path where her pacing had a wider expanse in step and stride with the confines of the room than the escape pod. Every one of her pivot and turn motions were made effortlessly while her rambling reigned on before her considerate patience of her company.

“There’s  _ no _ reason for me to be here.” She proclaimed, incredulity in tone, “I’m not even a real member of the crew… just a hitchhiker really.” Peebee’s words fell to a mumble, and continued. There’s  _ really _ is no reason for me to be here—“ a short humorless laugh, “—I could just pack up and be on my way and this…  _ physical _ ,” the word said with nothing short of disgust, and loud enough that Lexi  spared a short glare, “would be a waste of my time— _ is _ a waste of my time.”  

What Peebee lacked—and hoped that no one else knew—was the definitive conviction to swing one way or another; it was never her intention to be faced with the back and forth of wanting to go and knowing she would stay. It was advantageous to invite herself on-board the Tempest, the reasons purely selfish in nature but good-willed at it’s very core. 

The fact that it came with the expectation of enlistment—as if half the info the Nexus had on her were completely  _ authentic _ to begin with—was an outrage of its own.

“Are you nervous?” Dr. Lexi T’Perro said, smiling faintly, speaking up amidst Peebee’s tremendous efforts to clarify her own standing on board the Tempest.

She considered the question as foolhardy as they came. “Nervous isn’t the right word. Annoyed? Maybe. Irritated?  _ Probably _ . But nervous? Don’t count on it.” Peebee’s affirmation was made with a snort, clearly lacking humor, a halted pace, and a loosely casted accusatory finger towards the doctor, “And don’t think I’m here because I  _ want _ to be.”

Lexi stood presently unaffected by her declarations, but rather kept her attention to a datapad in need of the finishing touches of her preparation. “If it helps,” Lexi calmly began without looking up, “I take no pleasure in this, it’s simply my job. But if you’d like my advice-“

“I don’t.” Peebee harshly interrupted, arms crossed as a show of defiance. “The last thing I need is some matron trying to tell me how to live my life.” 

Peebee firmly believed that any unprompted advice was a product of an extremely inflated sense of self and a hardened desire to impose a surrogate legacy, a “seed” they would probably call it. The hope that their banal views on the galaxy would somehow change her into some obedient zealot of the outdated and paradoxical ideals of society was a battle lost across time and space itself.

“ _ Maiden _ .” Lexi corrected. “And my advice-” she reasserted, “-the longer you argue, the longer you stay.”

Peebee opened her mouth to protest to be faced with the truth of her statement, leaving her momentarily silent. “Right,  _ whatever _ .” A pause. “Let’s get it over with then.”

Lexi, in brevity, smiled at the compliance. “Any detailed medical history I should know about? Your medical records on the Nexus aren’t as…”

“Tangible? Material?  _ Existential _ ?”

“Thorough.” 

Peebee shrugged knowing that any existing medical file about her was no more reliable than any other actual documentation about her or her existence within the Andromeda Initiative. Kalinda made sure of that. “As far as anyone is concerned, I’m the.picture of health. No chronic illnesses, allergies or any other  _ infirmity _ for you to dissect into a dissertation.”

“So quick to assume that you’re  _ that _ interesting,” Lexi said “You never took part in any medications for any period of time before or after arriving in Andromeda?”

“Not a  _ single _ one--never needed them, never will.” Peebee started pacing once again, slower than before but still impatient, “Anything else? I’d love to stay and chat but I have things to do, people to see, remnant to study.”

“One or two.” Lexi said, working to add the information to the datapad. When finished, she approached Peebee, whose pacing halted in reaction. “Since you  _ adamantly _ refuse to be regarded as my patient, you can consider the question personal, but it’s--”

Peebee’s mirthless laugh interrupted her, “No.” Her frustration was quick to flare, subjectively placing herself on the higher ground in this situation. Even though she knew there was no reason to waste time or attitude for out of date ideals and preconceptions about who she was, it never failed to push her to the edge when anyone attempted to understand her. “—Good try but if you’re trying to get some…” She paused, skepticism showcasing itself in frustrated purse of lips, and bemused waves of hands, “… some  _ elaborate _ look into my psyche—Not. Happening. The last thing I need is—“ another huffed exhale, “Just— _ no _ . No personal questions. .”

The permeation of her mood settling into the air and Lexi wholly unaffected by it, as if she was a child refusing to do something as trivial as cleaning up after herself. There was no expression made in an effort to engage in pleasantries and not teeming with the frustrations she had initially expected to transpire. Peebee hated it, hated that even without trying, Lexi made her feel small. She remained composed and resolutely observant, as if while Peebee stood there scrutinized by her gaze, Lexi was silently trying to figure her out, picking at small details and drawing long winded psychobabble from nothing.

“If you feel so strongly about it, I won’t press you any further.” Lexi said unperturbed, retreating without protest to return back to her workspace. “Feel free to return to your escape pod.”

Peebee stood nonplussed. She admittedly expected more, wanted Lexi to make her comments that were teeming on the edge of snapping but held back with learned control. Watching her squirm between composure and exasperation would have been worth it. 

However, even in Peebee’s perplexed state, Dr. T’Perro continued on as if she wasn’t even standing there, returning attention to the collection of data organized before her. 

Peebee remained in a battle of her own making. The restitue truth that she needed to be here. The physical was an unfortunate prerequisite for any further moves forward and the only obstacle sat in quietly and ignored her.

“You can’t just—“ Peebee started but couldn’t finished, Lexi’s curious glance meeting hers. “That’s not how—“ another full stop. 

She bounced between bristling frustration and the feeling that even though the conversation was over it felt as if it would perpetually exist in the air until she found some satisfactory end to it. It was a hollow victory. She was successful in eluding and probing questions or allowing any physical analysis just as she initially came for, but there was something missing, something incomplete. “Ryder won’t like it.” A voiced thought that she knew better than to use to explain or reason, but used it anyway simply due to a lack of options.

“And Ryder, when the time comes, will see what data I have collected.” Lexi said absently, turning away once again. “A full physical is required before you go out in the field on the Initiative’s bill—which you  _ are _ on since deciding to join Nexus efforts.”

“A  _ full _ physical?” Annoyance prevalent in every syllable. Peebee rolled her eyes, then said, “Remind me what that entails again?”

Lexi paused after setting own her datapad down, as if to assess her own degree of annoyance. With a short sigh, she said, “A  _ full _ physical exam includes checking your head, neck, abdominal area, nails, and limbs. I’ll listen to the heart and lungs and to complete the physical, I may draw blood in order to run several laboratory tests to check for any irregularities.” Lexi turned to face Peebee, “It’s a very simple, non-invasive procedure that takes fifteen minutes or less.”

Mulling over the details, Peebee weighed her options; face a physical she would much rather pass on, or miss out on every vault from now until she finally came back for this goddess forsaken physical. The choice was clear. “Let’s stick with or  _ less _ .”

Lexi stood from her chair, her smile faint. “Feel free to venture deeper into the med bay when you’re ready to get started.”

“Right.” Peebee said  “And don’t do that, the smiling thing, makes me think you’re trying to be friendly.”

“Is it so wrong that I am?” She asked, hands touching at the base of Peebee’s neck the moment she was in reach, “Or would you prefer I be rude?” Thumbs and palms checked points up to the base of her jaw until pairs fingers touched just under ears.

“You?  _ Rude _ ?” Peebee said, squirming briefly at the touch but recalling times she's heard Lexi talk on Tempest comms to other members of the crew. She was always kind, worrisome and overbearing, but never rude. “That would be something worth seeing.”

“Even if  _ you _ were my first victim?” Lexi fingers managing the same ministrations along her crest briefly, slight smirk in her features. “Turn your head.”

Peebee complied, then said, “probably not, well—it depends.”

“Other way, and on what exactly?”

“How good you are at it. Just because you  _ try _ to be rude, doesn’t mean you are or can be.”

“I’m sure I could manage—look forward again.” Lexi said, stepping away momentarily to grab a datapad from her desk, and returning. “Cover your right eye, read the first line of numbers.”

Peebee frowned at the offered datapad before taking it, shooting a short glare of incredulity, “ _ Really _ ?”

“Yes really. Hold it at arm’s length and read it.”

One short sigh and free hand over eye later, she hastily read the string of numbers of letters listed. When Lexi commanded the same deed but with a new line of text and a different eye, she did the same without protest. She returned to datapad to Lexi, not without scrutiny in her gaze, who said, “I need you to remove your jacket for the next part of the exam” as she returned the datapad with the rest.

Peebee hesitated, not because of the request, but realizing she didn’t want to see was the underlying judgement in Lexi’s observations of her. Peebee, even after the passing time, still wanted to be good enough, and earn approval in all aspects of her life from people she claimed not to put any charge in the opinions they harbored of her.

“Peebee? Your jacket.” Lexi reiterated after noting Peebee’s distrait expression.

“I’m getting to it,” she replied mildly. She started with gloves, then buckles of bracer, wanting to divert any ideas behind her earlier hesitation by saying, “Can’t wait to see me without it, huh?”

Lexi was unamused by the jest, “Of  _ all _ the things you have said to me, that may have been the  _ most _ absurd.”

Peebee set the bracer on the medical bed behind her, briefly smirking but continuing to shed her armored jacket. She stood in a black sleeveless crop top with a medium collar that hugged her neck as much as it did the other parts of her it covered.

“Well?” Peebee asked, arms low and open as if she waited for something out of Lexi, a snide comment, a judgmental sneer, but earned nothing but the same calm stare she maintained.

“Turn around, please.” Lexi requested, and Peebee complied without comment. “If anything I do hurts, feel free to inform me.”

Lexi placed the pad of thumbs into the small of her back, fingers wrapping around waist. Her thumbs traveled higher, pressing into her back, fingers still drifting at her sides. 

Feeling the measured touch reminded Peebee of how long it had been since anyone has touched her, intimately or affectionately. Lexi continued the measured touch and pressure along her back while that thought alone resonated with the idea that she simultaneously missed and loathed the touch. It boiled down to comparisons, that which brought Kalinda to mind and the memories that came with it and the distant observations of Lexi she’s kept since she set foot on the Tempest. 

Dr. T’Perro, by her standards, wasn’t all that bad looking. From what she collected, Lexi stood poised, controlled in every setting she was placed in, sharing faint smiles, and gentle reminders  between conversational versatility and polite engaging touches—at least when she spoke to someone she enjoyed talking to.

It reminded her of Kalinda, the way she could conduct herself among the higher-class moguls of Thessia’s commercial conglomerate, treated it like a cake walk, and took her along for the ride. 

She loved it then, going to all those fancy parties, dressing the part, and feeling. even in a room of the highest paid asari in the galaxy, she was still special, different,  _ important _ , when she easily be considered anything but. It would have been a lie if she said she didn’t miss it; long nights out, draped over Kalinda’s arm while she talked to matriarchs, and then returning to her luxurious condos for another long near sleepless night. 

“Peebee.” Lexi said, drawing her attention away from trailing thoughts. When she turned face to catch Lexi in the corner of her eye with a short “ _ huh _ ”, the doctor continued, “I said cross your arms.” With nothing short than mild annoyance at repeating herself.

She complied, crossed her arms but didn’t want her mind to drift too far. The feeling of every thought about Kalinda becoming bittersweet, teetering closer to bitter. “Have you ever been to Thessia? Seen what the cities are like?”

“Once, for schooling,” Lexi answered absently, absorbed in the exam. “Why?”

“Just curious,” a pause, “I lived on Thessia for a while, in Serrice. Went there initially for another degree, it was my 12 th —or 13 th —thought I’d try my hand at astrology. Strangely enough, Serrice was the kind of city I would have probably decided to live in once I got old enough, or bored enough. There’s always a party to be at, always something new to try, the city is always changing no matter the day or time.”

“It sounds eventful. Any reason why you didn’t stay?”

Peebee shrugged, “Same reason as any other; got my degree, and after a few months, got bored. Left it behind, never looked back.”

“Raise your arms, level to shoulders.” Lexi requested, hands coming to examine them as she did her back. She allowed a short silence between them, then said, “Before I went to school on Thessia, I had to learn everything from my mother and father since Omega didn’t exactly have a reliable education system.” She paused to turn her attention to opposing arm, “But I once had a tutor very early in my maiden years, a dancer for Afterlife and a friend of my mother. She once told me she lived in Serrice, worked for Serrice Technology for decades before suddenly quit because she grew bored of the corporate lifestyle she maintained.”

“Vetra said you were from Omega,” Peebee scoffed, “but I thought she was lying.”

“Why?” Lexi asked, amused.

“Because you’re—well you’re  _ so _ uptight.”

“I see.” Lexi paused, guiding hands along Peebee’s arms as a sign that she could let them down, her touch lingering on forearms, chin hovering over shoulder. That touch again, soft, lingering, tempting in some ways, nerve wrecking in others. “The same way that an asari from Port Lerama could be so…”

“—Exciting? Adventurous? Daring?” Peebee said.

“Intrepid.” Lexi finished, moving past Peebee to lean over desk, adding a few more details to the awaiting datapad, “You can put your jacket back on.”

“If that’s your way of showing that you can be rude, it needs a little work. How’d you know I was from Port Lerma?” Peebee shrugged the jacket back over her shoulders, clasped the bracer back around her waist.

“Some files on the Nexus are more accurate than you think.”

She scoffed at that,“So, we all done here, or?”

“One last thing.” Lexi said, returning to face Peebee.

Lexi’s hand encircled Peebee’s holding them for a moment, gaze focused on them and pads of thumbs rubbing circles over the back of her hands. She noted the way Lexi touched at her hands, slowly turning them over so palms face the ceiling, treating them carefully. The way she cradled her hands in her palms, thumbs resting on wrists, sparked a sense of comfort. Lexi seemed to linger there, holding her hands, wondering if the downward gaze and soft touch were the beginning of something… unexpected. Logically, her mind knew it was improbable to believe Lexi would succumb to something so intimate, and doubted that Lexi would be harboring some kind of hidden affection for her. 

_ But what if she does?  _

She didn't assume something as vastly narcissistic as love at first sight, but the making of a crush couldn't have been too far off mark.

“Peebee?” Lexi said, voice softer than before. “Are you nervous?”

“ _ Me _ ? No, of course not.  _ Why _ ? Are you?” 

“Your heart rate spiked momentarily. Is there something bothering you?” Lexi asked, and for the first time since she’d grabbed Peebee’s hands they locked eyes. Peebee was looking for something in the shimmer of studying irises, wonder what could be hiding in them. She was met with nothing more than growing concern for her hesitation, and realized that Lexi was probably thinking that something was actually wrong rather than an unexplained sense of disappointment in failed assumptions.

Peebee shook her head. “Not at all, just eager to get back to my escape pod. I’m still holding you to that ‘or less’ part of the fifteen minutes deal.”

Lexi smiled at the reminder, but took the moment to left hands drift along her palms making Peebee pause. She was convinced. Dr. T’Perro had to have something harboring something behind all her composure with a move like that, she was sure of it or at least convincing herself that she was. Peebee didn’t want to look at the touch as if looking at it would confirm all her suspicions, until she felt a sharp prick on her finger.

“ _ Ow _ !  _ Shit _ !” Peebee snatched her hands away from Lexi’s grip to tend to newly bleeding finger, “What was that for?”

“Blood sample.” She replied nonchalantly, “The physical is now officially over, and you are free to rummage about in your escape pod. Though, I do have to recommend that you take the time to sleep in a proper bed to avoid any future back problems.”

“Where were you even hiding the needle? How did you even—“ She paused, her anger feigned, “do you  _ normally _ go around stabbing people without them knowing? Is this a new talent of yours?”

“Not new, no.” Lexi said, amusement in tone, “I suppose a few lessons on Omega stuck, even after all this time.” She returned to her work station, tending to the newly gained blood sample.

Peebee found herself hesitating again, with Dr. Lexi’s attention no longer on her she thought she might start missing it. Lexi turned out to be different from what she expected.

“Right,  _ Whatever _ .” Peebee’s final word before leaving med bay and out of the attentions of Dr. Lexi and upset simply at the fact that she was smiling. If there was one thing she  _ hated _ , it was feeling as though she had given something up. Dr. Lexi had taken something from her in that moment and she couldn’t quite understand what.

-

Lexi considered first impressions to be timeless. They served as an infinitely existing point of reference, the comparative differences in people that could be believed to come from a sense of familiarity. Their regards of you get better or worse because of the impact caused by simply being present in their life. Empirically, Dr. Lexi’s first impressions were usually good, finding herself often met with respect. It became clear, over time, that it may have been solely due to her title of doctor that sanctioned her results; who she was became a secondary footnote in any first impression especially now.

Between those who try to impress, fit as many medical buzzwords as if it was normal part of their vocabulary, take the time to ask outlandish medical questions, or get a quick prognosis of their most recent bodily irritation, there was little room for small talk.

In truth, Peebee was, in a way, interesting. It wasn't the product of study that she made note of her behavior well before they encountered one another in a private setting. In truth, simply hearing about Peebee had initially deterred her. Peebee clearly has issues not only with commitment, but something beyond that. She would be the trouble marker, Lexi recalled saying to herself, the kind of trouble that spread among others if they were susceptible to hair brained ideas and momentary periods of temporary excitement.

But she hated the thought the moment it surfaced, knowing better than to lay judgement so quickly. Though her experience within the physical made it hard not to presume, she saw the glimpses of something different in her.

When Peebee left after the completion of her physical, Lexi caught herself replaying the short test part by part more for novelty than purpose. What continued to capture her attention were the reactions bred from the pulse check.

The Tempest crew, even with some lingering misgivings about doctors, treated her with respect. When it came to check-ups and periodic questions between missions they held a very simple  _ means to an end _ attitude, one very similar to Peebee’s, but knew that she was only doing the job she was given. As the persistent outlier, Peebee faced her with an unexpected level of disdain, going so far as to very openly preach exactly how she felt about the whole situation. In a way, it was honesty, though emboldened by contempt.

She knew, the moment she began the test, that often times patients perceive things different from what they are. Some touches in normally intimate places overlaying with a typical procedure often bred confusion. It had surprised her to see and sense that confusion in Peebee, to noticed the small discrepancies in her mannerisms as a reaction. As a doctor, she knew better than to indulge something so trivial knowing that it led down a path she didn't want to traverse in the near future.

But what was unexpected was the unprompted sharing of minor personal details. Even as she sat in the med bay, she idly recalled the glimpse into one of Peebee’s past lives before Andromeda. Professionally, discussing a patient's personal life usually came as small talk during check-ups, shared to pass time or fill always silences that often enveloped the med bay. Lexi always showed genuine interest in knowing more, considering the personalities and mannerisms of her patients essential to treating them with the best care, but often kept herself at arms-length. In that moment, she shared details about herself to instill a sense of comfort in Peebee, allowed her to feel as though she wasn’t giving away a piece of her past, but simply participating in a conversation. Or so she told herself.

A part of her wanted to decipher exactly why Peebee shared something with a degree of duality, a sense of freedom among the consideration of an end game. Perhaps in all her adventuring, Peebee simply wanted to weigh all her options, see all she could, before making a decision that she would be content with.

“Unlikely.” Lexi mused aloud to herself, the idea that Peebee would invest in something more finite was a joke in itself. She was beyond deciphering the mystery that Peebee so adamantly surrounded herself with.

It reminded her of past love interests, where she never restricted herself in terms of species, they all usually surrounded themselves in mysteries, checkered pasts, dark stories, a brooding sense of self that charmed her. Finding their affections to be tempered by commitment issues and their ability to be honest lacking, she often fell out of love as quickly as she fell into it. 

With the grievances of her past still ringing familiar, she forsake the idea of anything beyond a professional relationship.


	2. Subject of Interest

Peebee laid in the privacy of the escape pod, during what was their makeshift version of a night cycle. Her eyes open to black and just barely making out the lines and divots of bolts of the ceiling and cursing the truth behind her aversion of an admittance of something close to smitten that preyed on concealed desperation. Even if it wasn’t that, the latent desperation, she knew it had to be something similar. 

Embedded among Peebee’s mental-scape was the realization that she was far too involved. In truth, the choice to embark and play by the sudden “winging it” style guidelines weren’t as bad as she thought, but it didn’t quell a persistent urge to leave the Tempest and it’s crew behind. It was an oscillation of mod, a persistent sway of in and out that she fell persistently influenced by. 

The one factor that remained prominent, among all the ones she considered, was one she thought may be the worst of them--Dr. Lexi T’Perro. She found that in idle times the memories of the touches shared, though they possessed no amatory properties, felt as though they left traces, phantasmal motions still ribbing susceptible nerves. Typically, the fault of new found affections grew in phases, careening and germinating in her head ages before ruminating on the idea of pursuit. It was too fast, guessing the deprivation of something so simplistic as a touch held a greater effect than she anticipated. However, it wasn’t the only factor that seemed to pervade.

Lexi had proven herself to be affluent in the skill of conversational maneuvering; had she not been able to convince her sub rosa, the physical and her journey on the Tempest may have never occurred. It was enough to cause a prevailing replay of every shared word between them between the moments that she caught herself somewhere between impressed and amused.

It, in a way that she was unsure of, didn’t take away from her ability to remain proper. Even as they delved into the topic of her origins that could easily be marked as a place of unrefined kind they didn’t take away from her standing image.  _ Omega _ , she recalled, knowing the stations reputation didn’t measure to the truth of being there and being surrounded by con artists and criminals and the ambient red haze that never seemed to fade. It was hard to imagine someone like Lexi walking away from Omega and being the person she was since meeting her.

It boggled her mind, crafted a sense of mistrust. The apparent disbelief manifested into the presupposed idea that maybe it was a lie, a front crafted in the new galaxy. The layers of her true self buried under the polite visage she paraded with. 

Though she was still curious, hung up on the feelings remnant from their interaction, she didn’t trust or like it. For the part of her that continuously considered it, she saw Kalinda in their interaction. She swayed in a way that felt like a distasteful mimicry to an experience she may have had with Kalinda. Something sophisticated, yet covertly chaotically compelling that she immediately wanted to seek out and uncover. Kalinda had shown her in private encounters, letting what cosmopolitan facet of herself go and letting loose. 

She couldn’t help but wonder if Dr. T’Perro was of the same breed, hiding some fast and loose aspect of herself. It pressed against her mind, the inventions of her imagination of Lexi’s duality and how it played against her own crafted mental self in a series of situations only viable in something as complicated as her imagination. It went on until sleep was inevitable, exhaustion prevalent in recurring yawns and an inability to keep her eyes open for too long.

-

Lexi rubbed at her eyes, her pushed off bouts of exhaustion springing to the surface once again. Where she would normally stifle the feeling with tea, this time Lexi advised herself against it. Sleep, after so many hours awake, was preferable than the artificial energy caffeine could supply.

Often times, a subject of interest would keep her up at odd hours. Many late nights were spent completely absorbed in the craft of a study written out comprehensively in excitement. Learning something new had always thrilled her, and sharing those discoveries and studies more so. As sleep encroached, however, she became distracted, replaying past events in her mind.

Peebee’s physical admittedly became a familiarizing moment for her. Where she managed to draw results from a multitude of methods, touch had been the easiest. Lexi recalled a particular moment, a particular touch, between them, at the pulse check to get a read off her blood pressure. Hand holding, she knew, was a romantic gesture, depending on who participated and why. The raise in tempo of Peebee’s heartbeat the moment their hands came to touch wasn’t something she could overlook medically, or personally. An immediate response from an outside source, recognizing—or at least guessing—that she was the source.

She entertained the idea, that Peebee, in her resistance, was considering the same things she was. That maybe every touch could have been more than just a brief check in health. For moment, Peebee’s sudden change in pulse was simply a small case of attraction. It made her feel better to think that she wasn’t the only one that let something as simple as a touch rouse hibernating feelings of yearning for something more.

Perhaps it was just an effect of time, the hidden temptations of a yearning heart for something soft and warm to latch on to after being neglected for so long. Lexi could easily dismiss it as something common, an emotion brought on naturally by the inherently social inclination of asari, not because of personal interest in Peebee, but the interest in something familiar.

Peebee had proved her wrong in a matter of days. Lexi hadn’t expected them to become best friends overnight, but the current moods felt off base in comparison to the moods they left with post-physical. Peebee was short with her, distant, and barely acknowledged her presence. So much so that she started to take offense, choosing to give up trying to be friendly or even cordial. In retrospect, she began to believe she completely misread the situation as a whole.

She buried her hands in her face, letting out a long sigh, and wondering how long the feeling would last until it faded into nothing more than a laughable memory. There was nothing worse than growing close to a patient, left wondering if she was alone in this strange feeling of wanting and not wanting.

Lexi hoped that after a few hours of rest, she would be rid of the feeling.

-

_ Instinct _ , a club solely renowned for its ability to attract celebrities and varied political figureheads all across Thessia into its encompassing darkness.

Beyond their doors being effectively shut to the common citizen, setting even one foot into Instinct spoke to pristine urbanity. Their exclusivity so strict, it was impossible to even get inside without knowing someone who's been allowed in.

The first time she entered it was on Kalinda’s arm, a few of the people in her circle frequently occupied Instinct’s VIP booth as if they were born and raised there. They draped themselves over each other, talked about drinks she’s never heard of or would ever taste, and their latest conquests even if their dates were sitting right next to them. Kalinda had been no different, joined in like it was second nature. The only difference was that when the spot light was on Peebee, she shined, didn’t shy away from the attention, and charmed every asari that dared verbally tango with her. They tried to fluster her, throw sultry and sorted words in the hopes of teetering her off her game, but she was far to determine to let anyone get the better of her in any situation.

“She’s a keeper.” One of Kalinda’s friends, drunk purely off martinis, said, arm draped over her disgruntled date. “And if you don’t keep her, I’ll take her off your hands.” Everyone at the table had traded laughs from it. Even Kalinda chuckled at her, but wrapped her arm tighter around her waist.

“She’d chew you up and spit you out.” Kalinda started up in reply, as if it was an afterthought, “I know she still gives me a run for my money.”

At the time, Peebee beamed at the remark. Nothing made her happier than Kalinda showing her off as if she were the crown jewel of Thessia and all hers. The possessive gestures were welcomed, until they weren’t. After a while, when Kalinda’s focus seemed to shift without her, she started going alone, not to find another body to occupy her time, but to feel free. Nothing was more exhilarating than being a part of the dance floor that buzzed with energy or conversing with matriarch that spotted her alone and invited them to her table and matching them blow for blow on nearly every topic.

Peebee never believed she would ever go back, or ever go back to Serrice, not then, and not after going to Andromeda.

It stood alone among skyscrapers, and high-rises as a defying opposition to the world around it. In a row of building fronts with soft lights blearily illuminating sidewalks, it's neon crimson sign stood out as a fluorescent plague among against the others and battled for the attention of drunken onlookers and pedestrians wandering aimlessly through the night for something to do. 

Most would walk right by it, it's harsh red feeling eerie in combination of the muffles sounds  of music that leaked from it's doors. Peebee stood at the barren sidewalk, hearing the ghosts of footsteps and people around her, and her gaze consumed by the haze of familiar red lights that drew her in. Her steps felt distant, harshly echoing only in her ear. 

The room was packed with bodies, drunks teetering onto dance floors, the bitter tinge of smoke enveloping the air in a hot settling cloud that almost felt suffocating. 

It was exactly how she remembered, the sinister yet calm aura permeated the air, as if the walls and shadows held a secret that only Instinct could hold, trapping the whispers of the galaxy under it's ferocious beat. Peebee stood in the middle of the crowd, an enclosed circle around her excluding her from being a part of it. She was fully dressed in an outfit she once called her favorite; a burgundy leather jacket draped over white v neck top that tucked into black form fitting pants and belt. An old pendant hung from her neck, a gift from her mother, and a series of bracelets that were probably well out of style by now, but were fitting back then.

Everything around her felt bleary, the swaying bodies around her shifted back and forth in mesmerizing and yet sickening motions under strobe and beat. The crowd was faceless, raging bodies keeping up with the oblique wave they became an infinite part of, blurring in her vision as if time passed quickly and slowly in the same breath.

Peebee winced when a familiar voice rang like an echo in her ear louder than the music around her saying, “ _ Don’t just stand there, babe _ .”

“Kalinda?” Her immediate reaction was to turn and look for her, find the source of the voice, hoped that even though she wished it hadn’t been Kalinda, that she would be the grounding force in this experience.

“ _ Come on babe, dance _ .” A disembodied suggestion that sounded more like a command in Kalinda’s voice, like she couldn't say no and wasn’t sure if she wanted to. Peebee wanted to hide among the specters of people but every step she took was met with a conjoined and reactive shift, leaving her alone a small area surrounded by them, trapped by the darkness of their  bodies and controlled by the sway of them. Kalinda emerged from the crowd, bodies parting like smoke. She was dressed in the ensemble she remembered first seeing her in; the typical blue politician’s ensemble with long white sleeves and high collar neck line, only the skin of hands and face exposed for her to see.

The outfit looked plain on her shoulders, unimpressive like it did the day they met. Kalinda had been nothing more but another matron, prim and proper, standing in the middle of a banquet hall surrounded by similar asari of her type. Peebee meant to skate through the building, using it primarily as a shortcut between late night events with a loose group of friends. Kalinda caught her eye then, not with what she wore, but how she looked at her. Not like she was waiting to don her endless knowledge to her as if she were pea brained or chide her for interrupting another useless schmaltz of Thessia’s best and brightest, but as if she was someone to be revered, intrigued by nothing more than her presence in the room.

“ _ Not in the mood _ ?” Kalinda asked, the slight echo in voice still unmistakable, even with the music playing, as she approached, extending a hand out to her in greeting.

“Don't even try it.” Peebee snapped at the offered hand, pushing it away feeling sluggish, “I haven't forgotten what you did to me. I never will.”

Kalinda’s hands retreated to fold behind her back, drifting back towards the crowd. “ _ I know it was wrong, what I did, Pelessaria _ .” 

She hated and loved the way Kalinda said her name. The creeping chill along her spine of familiarity, like fingers smoothly drawing over bones filled her chest with fear. In the same moment, it gave it the regal sound she assumed her mother intended for her, what it needed to be truly revered, but it didn't fit her, it wasn't right. 

“ _ Let me make it up to you _ .” Kalinda offered stepping to the side allowing the wave of bodies to part. Lexi’s emergence from the crowd gave her pause. 

She was in her normal medical attire, unperturbed by the setting or Kalinda, she almost looked happy, peaceful even. Lexi approached with an unwavering gaze, smiling faintly as she entered the barren circle with Peebee at it’s very center.

“ _ I know what you're thinking Pelessaria _ .” Kalinda continued as if the voice came from within her own head rather than from Kalinda herself. They stood toe to toe, short inches away from one another in a locked stare that she couldn’t look away from. “ _ Maybe I did do something wrong _ .” Lexi’s hands took hers like they did during the physical, taking them into her palms, thumbs rubbing at the backs of her hands. Her touch as gentle as the gaze she looked at Peebee with and for a moment she felt undeserving of it.

“Maybe I did do something wrong.” Peebee parroted Kalinda’s voice, watching Lexi turn to concern. She remembered the way she faced Lexi with resistance, put up roadblocks against her attempts to do nothing more than her job. At the end of it all she was only attempting to help. Maybe she should have been nicer, treated her like she wasn’t the next asari to try and find some way into her head. A dark shadowed hand touched at Lexi’s shoulder, but there was no reaction from the matron. 

“ _ We all make mistakes, don’t we? I made a mistake.” _

“I made a mistake.” Peebee found herself saying when Lexi’s brow furrowed. Her hands were released and traded for the familiar touch at her neck.

“Why do you say that?” Lexi asked. Where she expected the pressures applied in effort to check, Peebee was only met with a touch that skated softly against her skin until Lexi’s palms cupped cheeks. What was the mistake. She knew there was one, an opportunity missed, one she didn’t even know was there. Another shadowed set of hands placed themselves of Lexi’s shoulders, gathering and stacking into dark clumps of fingers.

“ _ But there is something you should know. _ ”

“There’s something I have to say.” Peebee said, her breath almost hitching in her throat when Lexi smiled at her. She wanted to feel something beyond the abysmal feeling she was sinking into as if every word led  farther down to a wretched depth she wouldn't be able to escape. “You can tell me anything.”

There was something she needed to say, a feeling she wanted to explain but couldn’t quite find the words. It wasn't love, but a confession, a curiosity in her that hungered like the swaying bodies that began to thrash in their dark forms. Infatuation she clarified, that every measured touch left a mark she couldn't shake even for its insignificance and she wanted more. Peebee saw something different in Lexi and believed that if they did ever make it that far she would be different, she would be worth more than what she knew she could give. 

Another set of dark hands placed themselves on Lexi’s shoulders. 

“I…  _ can’t _ .” More hands appeared, claiming her as their own engulfing the entirety of her up to her neck. Peebee reached to grab Lexi’s hand, and for a moment she gained hold, the dark hands still urging her back into the endless abyss hoping to swallow her into their perilous void.

“It’s okay Peebee.” Lexi said with a gentle squeeze to her hand, her voice serene among the chaotic wave of feelings and bodies, a wave of relief that temporarily ally the infinite despair around her. She seemed so at peace, no fear in her expression at the world around her. “Just  _ breathe _ .” And like that she let go of Peebee’s hand, swallowed by dark and disappearing into the boundless chasm.

In a quick blink, Kalinda appeared again emerged from that darkness, her hands wrapping a vice grip around her throat, lifting her from the ground. Her arms felt far too heavy to raise, to claw at the air she gasped for, her body feeling limp as if she were already dead and out of her control. Her lungs burned for air as Kalinda seemed wholly unaffected by the panic that buzzed at every nerve, a wide grin on her.

“ _ You will always be mine Pelessaria _ .”

-

Peebee jolted up in the sleeping bag gasping for air and absently touching at throat in fear that Kalinda’s hands might still be wrapped around them. When she finally found seemingly steady mental ground, Peebee sat forward, hunched over and hands loosely cradled in her lap. Her mind and emotions felt scattered, pressed at the edges of her capacity, unable to decipher the dream, what it meant, and why it should mean anything at all.

She cursed under her breath, falling back against sleeping bag. Peebee initially decided that trying to sleep again was the best course of action; the sooner she slept, the quicker she would forget. The moment she turned over, the images of Lexi touching her with such gentle care only be taken away played in flashes under closed lids, haunting her until she opened her eyes again.

_ You’re reading too much into it _ .

Every touch, though a runoff apparition of the physical, felt overtly intimate within the dream. Peebee knew then it was intended to be professional in nature and her reaction to it was a purely isolated event. It didn’t change how much she wanted to feel it again.

Lexi was gentle in comparison to anyone else she’s encountered. In the past, she learned quickly that the appeal she held over her counterparts was a desire to control. Lovers that made it a goal to handle her, and find some way to exercise dominance over her with rough touches and harsh kisses. Peebee hadn’t opposed to them in the past, but often caught herself wondering what the rival to that felt like; to find someone who was equally as gentle as her past lovers were rough. It was never that it didn’t make her feel cared for, but the desperation to claim her entirety in the heat of the moment after made her feel used, like a territory to mark as theirs. Peebee, most times, was gone by the next day, didn’t wait for afterglow or awkward day after conversation.

Lexi was one of few to face her with patience, instead of a boldly present attitude with outright superiority. Realizing a day later that Peebee that Lexi may have played her, it developed a new realm of respect for her. She recognized her strengths and weaknesses in a short span of time and played them against her skillfully enough that she hadn’t even noticed. Her own snide remarks and stubborn denial was met and matched her with couth and wit. She started to believe that maybe there really was more of Omega in Lexi’s mannerism, if not shown by personality than simply verbally adroit without being a show off. 

However, to consider Lexi in the way she did, Peebee easily prescribed it as the pathetic desires of a desperate, lonely asari. She didn’t like that it wasn’t the first time she wondered the same things since the physical and reactively attempted to push the thought away and clear her mind.

“ _ Unlikely _ .” Peebee scoffed, turning over to rest chin on folded arms. It was impossible to ignore. So, she played with the ideas crafted--molded imaginative situations that played in a way that felt honest to Lexi’s character simply for her own gratification.


	3. Inexperienced

Lexi hadn’t expected to see Peebee within her medbay again. 

Their conversations among crew members, shifting between debate to flat out argumentative, tended to be a turnoff to the idea that Peebee and herself would grow closer. Instead, she settled on the idea that Peebee, as she did with everyone else, would keep her distance emotionally and mentally from the rest of the crew. However, when it came to herself she felt as if every snide remark or protesting jeer was personal. 

Of course, she made it clear that it was the prospect of exacting her various degrees on the various and vast mental spaces of the crew that seemed the apparent aversion. Even so, it didn’t quite explain the targetting she experienced or the degree of scrutiny she faced only from Peebee. However, the circumstances of Peebee’s return were a viable reason enough, but not the reason she expected, if there were expectations of a return at all.

The report read clearly, brevity notable in its formal yet simplistic explanation; “ _ she got electrocuted _ ” was the gist of it. The properties of a mysterious liquid within the remnant vaults proved to be more than just electromagnetically caustic, but enough to degrade shielding much faster than any other known outside effect. What begged for concern was the probability that it was already a property Peebee understood but still fell victim to.

Dr. Lexi occupied herself with the factors that came with such an ordeal, ones that concerned Ryder enough to escort Peebee personally into her care and devoting confidence in her ability to curate her full recovery. Mentally, Lexi’s thoughts filtered by immediate importance. For asari, in regard to electrophysiology, the worst to happen would be severe or lasting damage to the nervous system. In the long run it could meddle with biotic efficiency and control or her ability to form successful connections in melding among other health problems neurologically.

Since finishing reviewing the report, Lexi stood confidently in Peebee’s presence, her words were spoken authoritatively in the hopes of deterring any lack of seriousness on the matter. To her surprise, Peebee reacted complacently; no snide remark or verbal lashing in reaction. If anything she behaved herself, following each prompt fully answering her questions to completion.

Peebee sat patiently on the end of med bay bed, jacket removed at Lexi’s request, leaning back against palms watching intently. The same fixated gaze felt like it bore into the back of her neck when she turned away to avoid it under the assumption that she was being studied. Even when their eyes met, Peebee didn’t shy away from the shared gaze, but didn’t react to it either. If she put any real lasting thought into it, she would have broached the subject, nearly demand an answer as to why she seemed so focused on her when she had proven in the past to avoid it.

While silently contemplating Peebee’s behavior, Lexi gathered several quarter sized white discs in her palm. “Normally,” Lexi began, steps measured upon approach, “there would be more of these to do a more thorough scan. Unfortunately, the Tempest isn’t equipped with the latest in EEG technology.” Lexi held receptor held between fingers for display, “they are EEG adapters, adhesive receptors that attach to several points along your crest, spine and several other places. They will be able to record the electromagnetic responses between your brain and the rest of your body.”

Peebee shrugged, sitting forward, “You stick them on, make sure everything is working, and we go from there.”

“Precisely. If you please-” Lexi gestured at her arms, beckoning them outward. She placed two on each arm, one just below the inner elbow and another just under shoulders. Another set of two placed along the lower parts of each calf. Circling bed adjacent to Peebee, Lexi placed more at the very base of her spine under collar and another at the nape of her neck. The last six were carefully placed on Peebee’s crest after returning to her initial spot, silently commanding Peebee’s turn of head by a gentle push of chin.

“You've been exceedingly compliant. Should I be worried?” Lexi said after placing the third on her crest and preparing the fourth.

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t be.” Peebee replied. “It's not everyday you get electrocuted by mysterious remnant gel… liquid, whatever—even I don’t know what it is or what it does. Not  _ completely _ anyway.”

“Even so,” Lexi said, a brief paused to guide her head to turn in the opposite direction, “I can’t imagine that you assumed it would be safe, you’ve been more knowledgeable in the past.”

“That  _ almost _ sounds like a compliment, and it was an accident. Observer turned the corner, assembler caught me off guard, lost balance. I’m adventurous, not suicidal.” Peebee scoffed through half smile. Out of the corner of her eye, Lexi watched the smile turn to self-reflection. “Lesson learned.”

“I would hope so.” Lexi placed the final adhesive disc to her crest and stepped back to examine each placement. “I believe that just about does it. How do you feel?”

“Like I’ve got EEG stickers all  over my body.” Peebee said flatly.

“Of course.” Lexi smiled, faint but brief. “Let’s start with a few preliminary questions.” With a short nod from Peebee, she continued on. “Do you recall the sensations you felt when you first came in contact?”

“It tingled—well  _ after _ it ate through my shields—numbing in a way, like everything was... buzzing. After I launched my ass out of it via jetpack, it took a while for the tingling to go away, walked it off essentially.”

“Did this tingling sensation last anywhere in particular before wearing off?”

“Not really, no.” Peebee started to mindlessly touch at one of the discs attached to her forearm, “If it did, I didn’t have time to think about it. We had a death cloud to avoid a little bit after.”

“Don’t pick at it.” Lexi rebuked, lightly swatting her hand away from the receptor, “And what  _ death cloud _ ?”

“We call it the  _ ‘purification process’ _ .” Peebee said, starting to overdramatically nurse the swatted hand, “Every time Ryder activates a vault, it initiates this energy cloud that kills all organic life it touches, completely disintegrates it. The last time—“

“I’m sorry, did you say  _ kills all organic life _ ?”

“Yeah, yeah, not important, what’s important is that—“

“And it does this every time? You’ve experienced this…  _ phenomenon _ twice now?”

“ _ Yes _ . As I was saying—the last time we were in a vault, we split up—I went solo, Ryder stuck with Cora and Vetra. When they activated the process, just before we had to hightail it out of there, the energy readings I got were… well impressive, higher than I’ve ever seen. Impressive numbers all across the board.”

There were many things she was perfectly fine being out of the loop for—that wasn’t one of them. “How am I only hearing about this…  _ purification process _ now?”

“Ryder didn’t tell you?” Peebee asked innocently, lilt of pitch rising.

“Clearly not.” She said, marking it as a conversation she would have with Ryder when the opportunity arose. “I’ll have to have a word with Ryder about it later. For right now, I’m going to ask you to perform a very basic biotic technique. If anything feels strange or out of the ordinary, tell me immediately.”

Lexi activated her omnitool, the small screen initiating basic readings from the discs. So far everything seemed normal beyond small brief jumps in activity, but nothing out of sorts.

“Could you create a light biotic field? A very thin barrier.”

“Nothing flashy, huh?” Peebee joked, but nevertheless created the requested field, enveloping her sitting form. By readings, it was normal, electrical responses between nerve and nodes registering properly. “Am I allowed to ask questions during this stress test?”

Lexi’s brow rose at the question. She was inclined to reject it and request the Peebee’s full attention be placed on the task at hand. However, with the request fulfilled with ease and the results turning out seemingly normal, she saw no real reason to oppose. Though she did note a part of her own curiosity aiding in her choice. “It would be preferred if you remained focused on the task, but I suppose it depends on the question.”

“Your biotics, do you use them?”

She paused, then said, “not often. What skill I do have is an investment in self-defense.” Prior to learning, she showed no real interest in it. Advancing her biotic skill to an adequate level was a part of the compromise her parents agreed on back then in terms of being able to protect herself. If Lexi wanted to indulge in a more in depth answer, she might have professed to how adept she was in learning to hone her skill. It had started as self-defense lessons that warped by curiosity into a focus on its acute and direct effects to the body.

Where her mother stuck to teaching the basics, Lexi showed interest in the ability to apply biotics in a physically disabling way. One small touch could numb nerves, sever them even if she focused hard enough. Precision and efficiency were the appealing factors that motivated her; lethality without the mess, she called it.

“I guessed as much. You don’t really come off as biotically inclined.”

“I never said I wasn’t biotically inclined.” She clarified, “Could you increase the intensity of your barrier? Until I ask you to stop.”

The barrier visibly thickened in reaction, the field around her gradually expanded in size and energy, the readings matching the steady increase in intensity. “I don’t mean that offensively.” Peebee continued, “I mean I guessed that you'd be the type to go with the  _ ‘I-don’t-like-fighting-because-I’m-a-doctor’ _ way. The whole being a pacifist because you think it would completely negate your job. No offence but its  _ cliché _ .”

Several small items in the med bay began to levitate in reaction to Peebee’s stress test. When Lexi tried an earnest “ _ Peebee _ ” in the hopes of getting her to notice, Peebee remained distracted by the point she had already gotten across but strived to clarify fully. 

“I’m just saying, it’s fine if you’re all about keeping the peace, most asari are, but it doesn’t change the fact that they still train like there  _ will _ be a fight or something. Why train all those commandos and preach being peaceful at the same time? Wouldn’t it be easier to own up to it?”

“Peebee,  _ stop _ .” Lexi commanded, more earnest in tone when her first attempt was overlooked and more items began to clink along the ceiling.

“ _ What? _ Oh.” Peebee stopped the field immediately, her grin self-conscious when various items clanked against the floor. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, the place needed some redecorating.”

Lexi chuckled, shook her head in response. Peebee was being so…  _ pleasant _ ; pleasant in the way that It wasn’t particularly charming, the way she was, but perhaps edging on some parts  _ endearing _ . She found herself chiding the thoughts as they appeared but hoped that the pleasant parts would continue; not only for the sake of their professional relationship, but that she genuinely liked Peebee better this way. When she wanted to be Peebee could be charming, funny, and intriguing in her own unique way. The way she could entertain within a conversation effortlessly, coerce a smile from her, drew her in made her feel abnormally comfortable within the moment.

“So, what’s next?” Peebee asked, intrigue in her gaze, curiosity in the way her head slightly canted.

“What’s next?” Lexi parroted, aiming to refocus on the task at hand, “The next part is simple, something that will take no more than a few seconds. There's a way to check your entire nervous system in one go. However, I won't ask you to go through with it if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

“Try me.”

“Well, as we both know, the  _ meld _ is a process that can be considered an electromagnetic method that often exhausts the user from prolonged use because of the amount of work the mind and nervous system put in towards completing and sustaining a bonded neurological system between participants. That's because of the energy it takes to essentially charge your nervous system with a multitude of synapses that carry a higher magnitude of energy, and--”

“Textbook, got that part.” Peebee interrupted, apprehensive, “What are you asking me to do?”

“When the body performs the meld, unless there is an immediate point of contact, every nerve is essentially charged, reaching out to connect and as a result creates the sort of field that biotics do, but it is not as tangible or as easily controlled. I can use those readings to find any point of inconsistency in your nervous system and treat any outcomes in your results.”

Peebee paused, considering her explanation. “So you want me to perform a meld?”

[ * ]

“Yes, precisely.” Lexi confirmed.

“With or without a partner? Because there's only two people in this room and ...” Peebee trailed off purposely, hoping the rest of her sentence could be interpreted knowing that the last thing she wanted was to risk was allowing her through mental barriers.

Where she believed they were both old enough to handle themselves within a meld, she couldn’t attest to her own proficiency or self-control simply due to inexperience. The way asari talked about the meld, called it the joining, it seemed so  _ permanent _ it nurtured a sense of resistance to the topic. Being so willing to give access to her mind to someone wasn’t in her plans, and she didn’t want to risk losing a part of herself to someone who wouldn’t know what to do with it. 

“ _ Without _ a partner.” Lexi clarified.

Peebee, relieved, asked, “Isn't there some kind of danger to that? Does it even work without a connection?”

“In some cases, yes. Holding a meld without a connection for a prolonged period of time can cause severe damage to the nervous system, at worse, it could cause permanent damage.”

“You're  _ really _ not giving me any confidence here.” Peebee said flatly.

“A meld in definition is simply an attuning the nervous system to the world around you. Without a connection your nerves are more reactive. You'll feel minor things a lot more intensely than you're used to, noises, touch, smells, your senses are much more receptive. As long as you don’t stay in that state of mind for more than five minutes, you should be fine.”

“Well if that’s it, I’m sure I can manage.”

“Even so, I will walk you through it every step of the way.” Lexi said, “If you change your mind, or feel the need to stop, please say so.”

Peebee nodded, wrapped her fingers around the edges of the med bay bed.

“Close your eyes and take a moment to breathe—” Peebee took a slow long calming breath, eyes closing to place her focus solely on the sound of Lexi’s voice. “Focus only on the sound of my voice. Let your body and mind relax, let your thoughts drift.” Another long breath. “Let peace embrace you, surrender yourself to your thoughts, let them wash over you like gentle waves.” Another breath that felt as though it softly echoed a resonating chill of serenity in her thoughts. “Let them envelop you, comfort you.”

_ Embrace eternity.  _ The final words feeling disembodied as eyes blinked into an all-encompassing black unsure if it had been Lexi’s or her own words. Peebee could feel the edges of her mind reaching out for a connection to no avail and an irritable buzzing in the back of her head steadily growing. She realized that Lexi wasn't wrong about her senses, everything was so loud, bright, vivid.

The air smelled like omni gel and disinfectant, overwhelming enough to make her nose cringe at the acetone tainted air. The chill of the med bay air prickled skin as if ice crystallized among every nerve, causing her to shiver, while air hurriedly and clearly hissed out of ventilation system in what sounded like steady downpour. The lights seemed a little too bright, the colors of the med bay a little more vibrant, and slightly blurred periodically when her mind teetered between focusing on the physical world around her and mental one that emerged to the forefront. It was hard to focus on one thing, the noises sound overpowering. She aimed to focus on just one sound or feeling to latch onto.

_ Take a moment to breathe. _

The voice sounded like Lexi’s but came from her own head as a vestige of her lulling speech, the words rippling along the landscape of her fabricated mental tranquility. Peebee followed suit as if the words were a command, inhale slow and exhale faintly shuddering.

_ Just Breathe. _

The words alone brought back images of her dream in clarity, the dark ghostly hands gripping at Lexi, taking her away. The urge to stop them flared the same feelings of panic, fearing the amalgam of shadowed apparitions. She wanted to try again, say the right things, feel her hand back on her cheek.

_ There’s something I have to say. _

Her breath echoed in her own head like a cascading gasp. Lexi’s imaginary touch itched at skin, the ghosting fingers of memory drawing her deeper. How gentle Lexi was when she touched her made her heart feel heavy, unable to look away when her returned gaze glimmered, curious and eager, and never seemed to cause her any rush. Every touch was savored with every thudding beat of heart as if each slowed pulse restricted time to the bounds of her rhythm. All taken in an effort to know, to memorize the feel of her skin as if it was the last time she would ever be allowed.

_ I made a mistake. _

The voice almost different from her own but still her own. The buzzing that itched at the back of her skull grew in intensity, enough to elicit fear. 

_ It’s okay Peebee. _

What truly scared her wasn’t that the moment felt inherently intimate, but the fact that she hadn’t felt as though Lexi was trying to take a part of her when they touched. The touch didn’t seek to claim her but to know her. She was simply exploring before choosing to trek across her mental and physical landscape. It made her  _ want _ to stay, that alone felt dangerous.

“Peebee, can you hear me?”

_ Lexi _ , the realization that it came from outside of her mind, loud and vivid, shattered the memory. Replaced with the reality before her, blurred enough that she forced her eyes closed that she couldn’t remember opening. Even at excessively loud volumes, Lexi voice was still inherently gentle, each syllable caressing the edges of her mind, tempering the fraying chaotic edges of lasting without a suitable connection to latch onto.

“I can hear you.” Peebee said, her words faltering under a long steadying breath.

“You can stop now.”

Peebee blinked away the black in her eyes, the memory less vividly present at forefront and replaced with her conscious mind, her breath shuddering at the transition back to reality.

[ * ]

“Are you alright?” Lexi spoke softly, as if her words would offer some kind of aid to Peebee’s clear disheveled state. She, in truth, expected there to be some form of discomfort, if not the pain of holding that state, then by whatever mentally manifested in its duration. A part of her wanted to offer some kind of physical presence beyond her words, something to help ground her like a reassuring touch of the arm, but she resisted.

“I’m…  _ fine _ .”

Lexi stood in a temporary moment of absorption, that Peebee may have been fully unaware of her until she finally answered. It made her squirm, feel as though she was an intruder on a private moment. Initially, she thought the isolated meld was taking a physical toll on her, but the distinct shudder struck a familiar nerve. She recognized it.

The same shudder that anybody went through that wasn’t an effect of cold or pain, but something more instinctively elementary. So plainly so that she refused to give it the proper word it deserved in her mind in the fear that is would goad a reciprocating feeling in reaction. It didn’t make her cheeks feel any less warm, nor did it take away from the idea that she would readily admit to herself that Peebee was the cause. Lexi chastised herself for it, knowing that the line she was crossing was more than just a professional breach in ethics, but a personal one.

There was a reason why she didn’t take on patients as lovers or bedmates.  _ Peebee is a patient _ , Lexi sternly reprimanded herself.  _ It’s completely unethical and out of the question _ .

“So,” Peebee’s voice drawing her away from the mental rebuking, “Got any more tasks for me?” Peebee asked, her voice exhausted under steadily regained self-assurance.

“No,  _ no _ . You’re fine.” Lexi said abruptly, only to pause and correct herself. “I mean—your results are all normal. The mysterious liquid doesn’t seem to have any lasting effects. You should be fit for the field.” Every word felt forced, each one a poor attempt at burying any alluding thoughts that may have been given away in facial expression. She powered down her omnitool after tapping at a few keys, and said, “You’re free to go.”

Peebee nodded, went to reach for her jacket and bracer behind her before pausing. “You do want your stickers, back don’t you? Or are these souvenirs?”

“Not souvenirs.” Quickly responded, the overlook another factor occurrence blamed on the suddenly hurried attitude.

Peebee stood up, held out her arms for the four receptors there to allow Lexi to take a moment to peel each off carefully. When the last from arms removed, Lexi said, “Turn around, please” to retrieve the last two from her back and commanded a simple, “and back” to have her swivel back to face. Lexi continued on the receptors on Peebee’s crest, acutely aware of how close they were to one another and how strongly the silence enveloped them. 

It was different this time, different from the silences that shared in the research room when they occupied the same space. In that time, Peebee would make it clear to disregard her presence until a topic of conversation arose. Now, on the other hand, there was an understanding of the event, that she witnessed something that she could not define but still had wordless meaning for both of them. Even Peebee’s reactions to it seemed moderated in an effort to let whatever transpired pass without confrontation. She was inclined to follow suit, even given its refusal to subside in thought.

[ * ]

The fact that Lexi was mere inches from her face, wholly concentrated on the receptors on her crest, was trying. She instinctively tilted and turned her head to each spot Lexi reached for while her own thoughts seemed to draw on the reminder of her dream. 

Trying for inconspicuous, Peebee attempted to make sure every gaze was simply a result of her movements, instead of chances to study her. Lexi’s breath was even, expression hard to read as she worked. How she bit at the bottom of her lip, a habitual motion she guessed, reaching for the last receptor, the way teeth dimpled against bottom lip gained her stare tempted her, enough that she meant to mentally commit the motion into memory.

“That was the last one I believe.” Lexi said, half smiling, turning over the discs in her hand to neatly stack them. “If you ever feel as if something is out of place or feels strange, come see me again.”

Peebee nodded, finding herself focused more on Lexi’s smile, the way it barely pressed into cheeks or disturbed the singular white line that dissected chin. It caused a smile of her own, her heart felt like it beat a little harder when they stood in silence, wondering if the thud in her ears was loud enough to be heard. Every thought seemed to center around the temptation to lean forward, press her lips against Lexi’s. Concern about her reaction nearly non-existent, just the feeling of achieving the satisfaction of knowing. 

She leaned forward, expecting Lexi to lean away, to abruptly push her away and deny her advance. However, when their lips met Lexi didn’t pull back from her but simply responded to her accordingly, meeting her partway. Peebee found herself pressing, looking for purchase in the other and only finding a gentle warmth and pliable lips. She could have gotten lost in the feeling, stood there with her eyes closed and her senses trying to take in as much as possible. She felt Lexi's hands grab at her arms, fingers drifting down biceps stopping to grip.

[ * ]

When their lips met, she didn't move to reject it or turn away from it. Lexi wanted Peebee to kiss her as a chance to satisfy the part of her that sought to satisfy her curiosity for intimacy. She guessed that it was the only reason why she allowed it, some part of her that latched onto the idea that somehow Peebee would be the one to satisfy an urge to rekindle a doused fire.

Something in her mind said to let it happen, that her own curiosity overrode the truth that she should have rejected the kiss. The way Lexi pressed lips against Peebee’s felt wanting, eager, yet still controlled and tempered. Lexi wanted nothing more than to linger in the corresponding feeling, a swell of happiness from being wanted by another. But she squeezed her fingers around Peebee, pulling them apart. Though she broke the kiss she didn't completely move away, leaning in close as if she was going to start again and stopping herself.

“ _ Wait _ .” The words near breathless along Peebee’s neck, finding comfort in the warmth of her skin. “We can’t.” Though she said the words she didn’t want to believe in them.  _ Not here, _ an addendum, wanting to say it to mend her statement.  However, she could already hear the rumors of her behavior haunting, her reputation marred by unethical behavior of fraternization. It made her regret wanting being so close, or even enjoying it.

“Why not?" Peebee's voice low, her hands coming to rest loosely on her hips. “The med bay isn’t exactly romantic or private.” Peebee admitted not showing any inclination to move at the realization. “The escape pod might be a little better-”

Lexi pulled away a little at her words, only to glare at her, “You must be insane if you think I will do anything of the sort in that escape pod.”

“It was worth a shot.” Peebee said, smile crooked, “Can’t just lock the med bay doors, can you?”

“Does that not seem more suspicious?” She said, realizing she was actually entertaining the idea.

“Just peg it as a very private medical condition, locking the doors was necessary for my adamantly requested privacy.” She smiled wider at her own plan, “They’d buy it.”

“And somehow I remain doubtful.” Lexi moved out of Peebee’s grip, not wanting to be caught in a compromising position. “You know this is something I cannot allow Peebee.”

“Are you afraid of what the crew will say because, honestly, I don't think they’d care that much.”

Lexi hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “You’re a patient and it would be wholly unethical for us to be… involved.”

“You consider us involved? After one kiss? That good huh?”

Lexi faced her with feigned annoyance. “ _ Now _ isn't the time for jokes.”

“I think it's the perfect time for it.” Peebee countered, closing the space Lexi created between them, “It was one harmless kiss, didn't mean anything more than that. If you try to give it value, then it ruins the actual purpose.”

“And what purpose is that?” She asked, arms crossing.

“Curiosity in its purest form,  _ and _ satisfying it.”

Lexi scoffed at that, the way Peebee talked to her made it sound better that way. One kiss bred from nothing more than a little curiosity and some wishful thinking. However, she wasn't inclined to believe it. “You say that and yet you've spent the better part of the last two weeks avoiding me if not being combative at every turn.”

Peebee rubbed at the back of her neck, “Nothing gets by you, does it?” When Lexi answered with another glare, she said, “ _ That _ was complicated, but  _ this _ is simple. I know that me avoiding you hasn't helped my case here, but if I'm remembering what just happened—feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here—but you  _ kissed me back.  _ That's got to mean something.”

_ “ _ That isn't the point.” Lexi retorted, “You may be able to parade across Andromeda and do what you please, but not all of us can. I have a responsibility to the Tempest crew and finding myself  _ involved _ \--.” She paused, a breath to quell growing frustration at the implications of that word,  _ involved _ . “The Galaxy doesn't work that way,  _ I _ don't work that way.”

“But you could, if you wanted to. “

What part of her believed in Peebee’s words was silenced, not wanting to put false hopes into her, no matter how much she wanted to know, to  _ try _ . It’s been ages since she could remember how it felt to be consumed with the idle daydreams of a wanting heart, to feel  _ appreciated  _ by another in more than just a friendly thank you.

Lexi, however, didn't fully believe Peebee could manage that. She uncrossed her arms to place a hand against Peebee’s cheek, looking for something in her eyes beyond the growing disappointment.

[ * ]

“I would like to believe that it is that simple.” Lexi began again, the touch to her cheek making her conflicted. “But I don't believe I can be what you want me to be.” The words added clarity to why Lexi was opposed; that this was simply a superficial urge for something new. Peebee wasn't entirely emotionally invested in Lexi, nor did she think she could definitively say she could teeter one way or another. The personal uncertainty was off putting, even for her.

“Then where do we go from here?” Peebee said when Lexi's hand drew away from her cheek.

“Business as usual.” Lexi said, smoothing her hands over her skirt, “I will always be available if you need a medical opinion, but I can't be anything more than your doctor.”

“ _ Right _ , I get it.” Peebee said, turning to collect her jacket, redress herself, bracer locked in place.

She wondered what kind of goodbye fit a moment like this where rejection became a prominent word in her mind, mistake being the next. So instead she simply side stepped her, walked out without a word, and left Lexi alone in the med bay to return to her escape pod.

On the trek there, she couldn’t help but wonder herself what she really wanted from Lexi, if the risk was worth it to begin with, or had she just fallen victim to a moment of vulnerability. Was it really just curiosity, or was she reaching too far into territory she should have avoided just to try? 

There was always an interest in the forbidden, unavailable, and restricted, but this was different.


	4. No Harm Done

Lexi would have considered herself a liar if she said that the kiss they shared hadn't come up in periods of rest, where there were no files to update or check-ups to perform. The first few times, she pushed it away in an effort to preserve some of her own personal dignity, chastising herself for even dwelling on something so juvenile as a brief kiss. 

After a while she simply let herself dwell in the simplicity of it, the short feeling of affection she had forgotten after so long, how warm it made her feel then. She caught herself smiling from time to time at Peebee's quick acceptance of it, the way she made light of it, even joked about it. Something about the complete absurdity of the assumption that she wanted more and the realization that she might have tugged at her more than she would openly admit stayed with her.

To that length, Lexi played at cordial yet distant around Peebee in hopes that her harbored feelings towards their short moment wouldn't become a point of notice to her or anyone else. They spoke briefly when needed and shared nothing less than polite smiles and small acknowledgement to one another in passing. To the outside world, they were nothing more than colleagues.

In consideration of the last few passing days, Lexi was elated; not only at the general progress of Ryder’s efforts on Eos, but the development of the relations between crew members. Where she expected them to butt heads in personal differences, the cohesion of the team was steadily growing, even regarding her and her role among them.

The general worry that she would not only have a difficult time living up to the expectations Harry unknowingly set within her but that she would remain an outlier among the team began to ebb away with each passing day. With lighter spirits on the Nexus and more faith put into the Pathfinder team, things were looking better.

Until Aya.

Their quick shot to Aya after encountering the archon for the first time and the introduction of the angara in their first real first contact efforts was a lot to take in, even for her. While keeping a watchful eye on Ryder and the team to ensure their mental and physical state were being closely monitored for any extreme changes, she admittedly payed special mind to Peebee’s development as a sort of self indulgence; she had her own hang ups about referring to it as such, but nothing else seem to fit the way she would curiously wonder about her. 

It was in her small fond observations of Peebee that noted a change in behavior after their later success on Havarl, and soon after Voeld. She was being secretive about her actions, more so than usual. Where she often occupied spaces around the Tempest, she began locking herself up in her escape pod for hours on end and wouldn't emerge unless summoned for a specific purpose. When asking Ryder in passing, they simply shrugged and said, “she's got a project she's working on” and left it at that. Though she was inherently curious, she kept that curiosity to herself, knowing better than to go out of her way to talk to Peebee again.

On their current return to the Nexus, Lexi normally spent her time on the Tempest tending to the restock and upkeep of medical supplies. However, with Ryder's promise of staying more than a few days before continuing their journey back to Aya, she decided that it would be the best time to update Dr. Carlyle on the latest.

The tempest without the crew occupying it felt strange. Without the life and personalities of its members filling every space, it felt hollow; she found it hard to see anyone else occupying the halls now that it started to feel like home. The consideration alone made her smile, that they had come far enough to actually promote a sense of home in somewhere foreign to them.

Lexi departed the med bay to the airlock, rounding the corner at the end of her short trek just in time to catch the escape pod open doors to Peebee fidgeting with omnitool band on her way out.

“Dr. Lexi,” Peebee greeted briefly when she glanced to catch Lexi halfway through the door, “Gracing the Nexus with your presence this time around?”

Lexi fashioned an amused look, halting enough for Peebee to walk alongside her, “Simply to pay an old friend a visit.”

“Old friend? Anyone the crew knows about?” Peebee asked, still fidgeting with the band, huffing slightly at it.

“I would think so, he was initially supposed to be the doctor aboard the Tempest instead of myself. Dr. Carlyle, if you've heard of him.”

“In passing, sure-- _ shit.  _ You'd think these things would be easier to deal with but one whole new Galaxy later- _ ”  _ Peebee cursed under her breath, the omnitool proving to more trouble for her than Lexi had even began to consider. 

“I know you're…  _ adverse _ to help, but perhaps I could lend a hand?”

The jab, even in her frustration, didn’t go unnoticed, but Peebee, seemingly beyond rejecting help, stuck her wrist out as if she were indefinitely done with it and the band around it. “The latch is jammed, so the interface itself is tilted. It was fine the first few hours,  _ now _ it's bothering me.”

They stopped just outside the doors to the Nexus, Lexi turning Peebee’s wrist over to look over the malfunctioning latch. It took a few seconds and some frustrating efforts but she successfully pried the latch free. Lexi, in latching the band, noticed how closely Peebee was watching out the corner of her eye, though her gaze wasn't fixed on the band.

Lexi did well to hide the fact that she noticed, beginning to wonder if Peebee ever thought about the kiss. Imagining the asari devoting the small quiet moments of idle thought between working hours on her secret project considering what could have happened if she had decided to linger or even say yes. There was something appealing in the idea that she would deviate from her usual thoughts on her account. _ You're thinking too much of it,  _ she curtly reminded herself,  _ whatever you see, it's in your head;  _ and she continued to believe so, even after the latch was properly closed and Peebee took a moment to look it over.

“Anatomy specialist and now latch expert.” Peebee said, mildly impressed, “Guess there's more to you than just doctor.”

Lexi only smiled, prepared to continue to the Nexus when Peebee stopped her by a small touch her arm.

“About last time-” Peebee started, hand quickly retreating to rub at the back of her neck when Lexi turned to her. “I thought about what you said before, about avoiding you, and then  _ that _ happened. You were right- to be confused I mean. I just…” She stopped herself, avoiding Lexi’s direct gaze.

“It's quite alright.” Lexi said, understandingly. She hadn't expected Peebee to bring it up, let alone apologize about it. “It was  _ odd _ to say the least, but I guessed that your intentions weren't malicious towards me- least I hoped they weren't.”

“No- _ never,  _ I know what it feels like to be on that end of things, back and forth. That's why I'm apologizing, you didn't deserve that, least of all from me.”

“Thank you Peebee.” She touched briefly at her arm, “It means a lot that you took the time to let me know.”

They walked side by side on the way out, only parting ways when Peebee mentioned a much-needed stop at her apartment to meet with Ryder; leaving each other behind with short goodbyes and lingering smiles.

-

Peebee stooped to watched Lexi walk away, a smirk remnant from their conversation as she ascended stairwell to her apartment. The fact that Lexi hadn't picked up the crafted plan for assistance with the latch was a source of relief. It was childish, she knew, to go at length just to find out an excuse to talk to Lexi without making it seem or feel like it was set up. 

In the times since their kiss, she bounced back and forth between taking a step towards talking to her properly, and retracting in frustration. It hadn’t helped that there were periods where she felt herself purposely being combative and argumentative in the hopes of burying any chance of anyone recognizing and favor towards Lexi, but never anything that would cause any lasting offense if she could help it.

Even so, it felt like she was still trying to grasp at the unobtainable.

After a few days, the kiss with Lexi left her feeling on edge. It left a seed, a seething need to feel relief from tension. Admittedly, taking care of herself only chipped away at frustrations, the relief it brought a temporary patch job to the bigger issue. Her vow was to not pursue Lexi, not seek out the release she wanted from her. It was made clear that whatever the kiss meant, Lexi didn't want it or her. And it wasn’t as if Lexi was the only option.

Jaal Ama Darav—mysterious, passionate, and a hidden bordering oblivious talent for flirting—presented himself viable and somewhat interesting; shown in her flirtatious attempts that he played into the best of his abilities. 

Going any further, she knew, would be an experience pursued by primarily novelty. He was completely new, a species she's never encountered and engaging with him would be more of a learning experience rather than a satisfyingly intimate session. They'd spend more time trying to learn what caused what feelings rather than actually enjoying the feeling, like her first time all over again. Peebee decided that she needed something short and familiar, where her mind could get completely lost in what she felt without thinking.  _ Why is that so hard to find? _

However, when Ryder came along, amidst her own frustrated pondering, she sought a solution in them, albeit another temporary fix she knew. Prior, she hadn't thought much of Ryder intimately, they had never really tried anything with her, and every time they spoke they were respectful, addressing every conversation professionally. 

Her proposition, if anything, was purely a shot in the dark in a desperate moment; she saw it as an opportunity to free them both of external stressors, something short, easy, and no strings attached. 

Even when they mutually agreed to the idea, a one time thing, she got lost in her own head. Every feeling aided by some long shot thought about Lexi and her kiss, and if she was there instead of Ryder. The thoughts were hastily shelved as quickly as they formed, to trade for focus on one thing, _right here and right now_. As she hoped, it was exactly what she needed and just as she assumed it was a temporary fix.

Unlocking the door to her apartment, Peebee spotted what was deemed her secret project hovering in the same spot she left it, an observer. The wiped command codes doing just as she hoped it would, leaving her new ally ready and for whatever command code she decided to input.

After a short check on the remnant tech, she sifted through scattered documents to gather for her return to the Tempest in the upcoming days and to prepare for Ryder’s visit. For the length of their exploration, Peebee felt as though her project had advanced faster than she anticipated, the remnant tech still proving difficult to decipher but still giving away just enough to give her a proof of concept. Coming closer to the final steps, Peebee finally had something viable to share, something she hoped would help their efforts and her research simultaneously.

It didn't take long for Ryder to show up for her show-and-tell, spending a short time showing her proof of concept—the observer with no good nicknames yet—feeling nothing but pride when Ryder was happy to have her observer available on the Tempest and in the field for preliminary test runs.

What ended up souring her mood was Kalinda’s intrusion.

Kalinda hadn't changed at all, still intrusive and overtly possessive. 

At the beginning of their relationship, Peebee felt like she was happily repaying favors simply by being in her presence, as Kalinda insisted on occasion. It was just like before, she would ask her to be her “date”, link arms in some telling gesture when they walked into the room, made sure to show Peebee off when they made their social rounds in her friend circles. She loved it, the attention, the affection Kalinda gave her, the idea that in this new Galaxy she was already a  _ somebody.  _ But it was dangerously short lived.

Kalinda was fickle, called it a “wandering heart” whenever she got swept up in conversation with another, brushing Peebee to the side carelessly. Peebee never made a scene or fought about it when she noticed it, let Kalinda have her way in the hopes she wouldn't get upset, and cut her off completely. For so long she felt like she needed Kalinda. Now, she was sure she didn't.

Peebee counted it as a stroke of luck that Ryder had been there to stand up against Kalinda, especially when they went the extra mile to make sure she left the apartment. Not that her brimming silence through it was any indication of her standing with Kalinda. She wanted to leave it in the past where it belonged, away from anything she was doing now and certainly away from her research on the remnant after discovering Kalinda’s latent interest in it. 

Ryder made her feel confident and secure in Kalinda’s presence—whether or not Ryder knew it and she was sure to hide any obvious signs of it—and the offer to listen when she needed an ear to chatter into was appreciated. At the end of it all, Peebee was happy to be alone to shake off the feeling Kalinda unknowingly left behind.

A slight whir of movement pulled her away from her thoughts, the observer hung low in the foreground of her vision. She rested fists on hips and said, “you don’t think I’d give into  _ Kalinda _ do you?” the observer’s answer was nothing more than a slight twitch and more slightly audible whirring. Kalinda only proved that maybe there was still part of her that felt as though there was reason to be wary of her. 

If Ryder hadn’t been there, she was unsure whether or not she could have made the stand on her own, or face Kalinda with newfound confidence in her own adaptability. The more she thought about it, however, the more she decided the thoughts were intrusive, just a little doubt making its way to the forefront of her mind. Every day was proof that she could stand alone without Kalinda’s expert hand guiding and manipulating the odds to her favor, said a more decisive, “yeah, me neither.” 

The only thing that bugged her was how Kalinda knew about her proof of concept, even when the development was so far under wraps that even SAM couldn't get a solid read, so how could she?

Another knock came at her door, relocked after the ordeal with Kalinda. She assumed Ryder again, back with more questions as Ryder tended to do on most occasions. She registered a few strokes on her omnitool before it unlocked again.

However, when Kalinda was the one standing at the door she froze.

“Didn't think I'd let you get away  _ that _ easy, did you babe?” Kalinda half smiled, taking slow steps into the apartment. “Cute little friendship you have with the Pathfinder—I can only imagine how you managed  _ that,  _ Pelessaria. Perhaps you can share the details over dinner?”

“Kalinda you're  _ not _ supposed to be here.”

“And yet, here I am.” She said, chuckling briefly. “I just can’t help but be curious about the secrets you're keeping from me.” Kalinda gave a sight nod towards the observer, her focus diverting to it.

Peebee instinctively stood in-between them, “This is my tech Kalinda, don't even think about-”

“Think about what?” Kalinda interrupted, nothing harsh about her tone but still edging authoritative. “Taking back what you owe me? You would still be in a cryo pod if it wasn't for me and I think that entitles me to whatever you've found, don't you think?” The question rhetorical and accompanied by nothing less than another smile.

Peebee was silent, still defiantly standing between Kalinda and the observer. She knew what she wanted to say and knew that she wanted nothing more than for Kalinda to leave, but somehow nothing she conjured in her mine felt right to say aloud. In her head it all sounded weak, like she was just asking for Kalinda to leave instead of outright telling her. Somewhere in her mind, Peebee was still trying to spare Kalinda's feelings, still averse to hurting them or upsetting her. 

“Come on babe.” Kalinda said, voice softening as she began to close the distance. She was cunning in her approach, every step was lingering in pace, steady in movement, and meant to close the space and distract her all the same with its indirect and somewhat unpredictable path around furniture and mess to get to her.

“Kalinda  _ don’t _ .” She said in the hopes that she would stop, but with no avail. She only stopped when she was standing close, their gaze locking, their bodies inches from one another.

“Just give me a peak-” Kalinda laid a palm gently against her cheek that Peebee instinctively flinched away from. Kalinda only scoffed at that, head canting at the reaction. “You seem a little… on edge Pelessaria.” The words were taunting, Peebee could feel it, meant to goad her. It was always in the way she said her name; with a lilt, purposely gentle as a way to draw her in, charm her even.

Peebee frowned, crossed her arms over her chest and stepped back out of Kalinda’s reach. “I don't want to do this Kalinda.”

“Do what? We're just talking Pelessaria. No harm done.”

“No harm done? After  _ you _ —” She stopped, a frustrated huff leaving her. She wanted to encompass everything she felt then and now into a few choice words and only gaining a jumbled mess of thoughts and doubts.

“After I what? Took care of you? Gave you a place to stay, ID badges? Anything you needed I gave and what did I ask for in return?”

Peebee hated that in some way Kalinda was right, and that somehow she still had her fingers still wrapped tightly around her, jerking her around at her leisure.

“Nothing.” Kalinda said calmly. “I didn't ask for a single thing from you until now, and now you're being  _ selfish _ .” The last words said in slight, “ _ You _ used  _ me  _ to get here, used me to explore your cute little remnant tech, used  _ me _ to get whatever you needed for your excursions and now you want to hold back” Kalinda laughed humorlessly, incredulously, as if the idea that Peebee's things were just Peebee’s and not completely hers to claim was impractical.

“That's not--” a pause. “It's not like that Kalinda.”

“Then what's it like? Because I'm having a hard time believing that all I am to you is a  _ resource _ . I loved you Pelessaria, I still consider us good friends, I only ever wanted to give you the best.” Kalinda inched closer, the anger growing in underlying tones, knowingly unmistakable only from experience.

“Look, I’m sorry--” Peebee retreated, gaze diverting to the floor, Kalinda’s gaze feeling unbearable to look at.

“You're sorry? Now you're sorry? After everything?” Kalinda shook her head, hand grabbed gently at her chin, but thumb and finger pressing into cheeks forcing her to make eye contact. Peebee went stiff, fear surging through tensed limbs. She could feel pressure behind her eyes as they glazed over with the threat of tears but not out of sadness but out of habit. 

The way Kalinda stared into her eyes felt as though she was back in the milky way, bending to Kalinda's wishes, doing everything she possibly could to keep her happy only to fail. She tried so hard and always failed.

“Kalinda I— “

“Listen closely Pelessaria because you know I  _ hate _ repeating myself.” Even in low tones, Kalinda’s voice sat at the edge of anger, as if she could just teeter back over into okay if she could manage to say the right thing. “You're going to give me that tech, you  _ owe  _ me.”

-

Lexi left the Cryo-Bay after a long conversation with Harry about the Tempest and her experiences. It was good to open up to someone she trusted, shared the high and low times with someone who understood her to a degree.

She felt better about it after talking to him, her doubts, Harry’s choice, and her place on the Tempest seemed to fit all into place as a much needed pep talk. 

Wanting to end the “day” on a good note, she made her way back to the Tempest, hoping to catch a few hours of sleep before another cycle of time passed and another day of checking stock came. Tomorrow was bound to be a solid work day, hours spent devoted to the med bay and attending to the supplies it would need for their next expedition. It was therapeutic in some ways, the organization, and a distraction for the upcoming free days.

Walking through the Docking Bay she caught sight of Peebee leaning against the railing alone, fist cradled into the other.

“Not exactly a competitor in views we've have in the past days, is it?” Lexi said upon approach, choosing a spot next to the asari.

Peebee only took a second’s glance at her new company, then said, “not really, no.”

“I would hazard that Kallo might say differently given the background subject.” She added humorously, smiling towards the tempest.

A short, amused huff of air left the Peebee, pressing Lexi into wondering where Peebee's earlier mood went in comparison. Her body language was off, Lexi observed, something about it and the aura around her coming off as exceedingly tense. She immediately assumed it was something directly related to the cause of her current mood, though Lexi was beyond guessing not wanting a repeat of past events.

“Peebee...If you need time alone-”

“Please don’t.” She said, “I'm fine, I can handle it.”

Lexi was worried and ultimately curious about what Peebee may be harboring that caused the sudden change and for a moment she considered leaving her be. 

“I know you may be used to carrying every burden alone, but you don’t have to. If you ever need to speak at length with a personal or even psychiatric issue I will always be glad to lend an ear, as a doctor or a friend.” Lexi moved to lay a comforting hand on Peebee’s shoulder, but when she flinched away, Lexi’s brows furrowed as her hand retreated. “Peebee, I can see something is very clearly wrong.”

“And  _ why _ do you care if there is?” Peebee half murmured. “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing, I’m just-“

“You’re just what? Trying to get into my head?” Peebee snapped, eyes furiously glaring with an intensity that made Lexi instinctively drawn back. She was surprised at the sudden hostility, began to wonder if she had done something wrong, or said the wrong thing.

“I wouldn’t do anything of the sort,” Lexi said, hoping to comfort her by keeping her own voice level and calm in reaction. “I’m only trying to help you. If you need someone to help identify and find the proper steps to find relief from a period of emotional distress then I-”

“ _ That’s _ what's wrong with you,” Peebee's laugh was harsh, irritated. “You're always poking your nose in places they don't belong, trying to put some label on something you think you know about.” Peebee said, anger clear in the movements of her hands when she talked, the ball of her fist. “I  _ said _ I can handle it, so why can’t you just leave it at that? Can’t wait to get your hands on another social experiment can you?”

“Peebee, I--”

“You  _ what _ ? Why are you even here?”

“I only meant to--”

“To what? To help?  _ Why _ ? What am I to you? Some sob story you think you can fix? Is that why you joined the tempest? You surround yourself with people you think you can fix? We're all  _ broken _ in your eyes, aren't we?”

“That has  _ never _ been the case.” Lexi answered sternly. “I love what I do and why I do it. I am simply there to help when I’m needed.”

“Have you considered the possibility that we don’t? We’re not  _ all _ helpless. It’s not like, me, or Ryder, or anyone on the tempest can’t take care of ourselves. You think I need  _ you _ to save me?” Lexi remained speechless, unsure what to say or why Peebee said the things she was. All she could see was anger as if Lexi performed some great wrong against her. With no answer, Peebee said, “guess what, I've made this far on my own and I don't need any help, and I especially don't need  _ your _ help.”

She had nothing to say, nothing to respond with, not when every word seemed to hit a chord of doubt she had been harboring. It was enough that she felt her neck turn hot with embarrassment and her head grow tense with the pressure of tears that wouldn’t form. It was the probability of the tells of the unbearable truth within it that she couldn’t come to terms with. Her presence was that of a technicality, a simple un intended switch that she didn’t feel prepared for but accepted under the faith of encouragement from a friend. Though she could see that Peebee was in a space of distress, it didn’t change the effect of her words, or Lexi’s buried doubt that came to head in that moment.

“Well?” Peebee said, exasperation clear, “Why are you still here?”

Lexi, where she wished could retaliate, only came face to face with the realities she knew remained in the confines of her own personal psyche. It was not that she felt culpable for Peebee’s current mood, but that in her current disposition her aired thoughts gave charge to Lexi’s own breed of self-doubt. 

The words she shared weren’t unfamiliar, the same script said over years bringing to light a palpable trend in character that she once thought as simply the effects of being so overly caring and misunderstood. Perhaps Peebee was right, that her attraction to the downtrodden in an effort to offer to simply feel helpful, even useful, was an unhealthy factor that she often unknowingly fell into and even sought to become a doctor for similar reasons.

Her mind wallowed in the thoughts, her body drifting away from Peebee towards the Tempest without another word as if it moved on its own while she contemplated her own personal misgivings for what felt the millionth time, only this time it seemed to stick.


	5. Viable Subject Matter

_ Weeks, _ Peebee noted. Weeks have passed since Kalinda made an appearance in her apartment and weeks since she started loathing Lexi’s presences and feeling guilty that she did. Each day, as quickly as they seemed to pass even with the concept of a galactic standard time frame lacking, played as a test in restraint. That is, if she wanted to lay down every thought as if it needed to be permeated and acknowledged then she would be the one to face the consequences of it. Those consequences weren’t entirely made of the chiding attitudes of the Tempest crew, but her own form of self-punishment that manifested in anxious fidgeting and berating thoughts.

In the confines of her mind, there was no guilt, that every thought aided the next, careened a sort of ovation to fuel the next heinous though until her guilt was absolved. Only when those thoughts were aired in the form of teasing—mindfully mitigated to fit the aura of conversation but mildly ill-tempered nonetheless—did she realize the sheer magnitude of frivolity her sense of mental righteousness and guilt rivaled one another.

It came in moments of casual conversation, finding their joint occupation of the research room on accident and on purpose. Peebee, on one hand, couldn’t stand to be in the presence of her and her ilk, and on the other she wanted to be in her presence for nothing more than knowing; the ever-persistent wonder of what effect her words had on Lexi constantly to rummage around in her mind like rocks in the heel of her boot. Lexi, as expected, remained stoic, finding her engrossed expressions devoted to a datapad with data she could only assume detailed the intricate anatomical aspects of kett or angara; something else for her to dissect when the responsiveness of people became a burden Peebee guessed. There wasn’t a moment where Peebee noticed Lexi show any falter in her moods or temperaments.

It begged the question of how genuine their encounters had been, though short, they lived on in her mind as if they were distant and unforgettable moments in time. If Lexi could stand so unfazed by her the words she spat in such disdain, did they have any effect at all? And if they did, was the emotion she showed weeks ago nothing more than a response that she thought would be expected? Though it felt like it trickled far too close to the line of paranoia, Peebee began to wonder if, from beginning to end, Lexi had done nothing more than test her beyond the bounds of what was required. An experiment, one made to test the limits of her pronounced commitment issues she displayed without shame, or one design to breach the more secure walls of her mental space by seeking a romantic connection.

Lexi was a lot of things but diabolical wasn’t one she would have listed off immediately. She had proven to be clever when the moment required, but to devise a plan simply to infiltrate further into her psyche, highly unlikely. However, it didn’t bother her any less.

Even when Peebee chose to hover in Lexi’s general space, make her dislike clear in snide remarks and rebuttals, and even went so far as to have a conversation pertaining to her but exclusively excluding Lexi until another member introduced her to the conversation. That time it had been about Jaal’s scans, having dual intentions. Her interest in Jaal hadn’t crossed romantic, and she doubt it would for nothing less for the difference in ideals about family. Asking Vetra to ask Lexi for her, unsuccessfully, had played in a scheme to reach for jealousy; that if their encounters were genuine then there would be some form of jealousy apparent in her request.

The answer she gave was less than exceptional, professional even, void of anything beyond straightforward with maybe a hint of annoyance but nothing more. Even the way her eyes glared seemed particularly lifeless, void of emotion or concern for what was said let alone the conversation that floated around her prior to answering.

The look stayed with her even after their return trip to Aya, the city’s increased availability an optimal choice for new exploration, yet she chose to inhabit the first makeshift bar. It wasn’t anything fancy, and her request for the strongest thing they had presented as a show of her daring and adventurous attitude. It wasn’t until she felt the teetering effects of delayed absorption impair her balance and muddled her thoughts into aimless burs of rapidly shooting revelations, realizations, and regrets. The stupor brought her inner turmoil to the surface to be mumbled over to herself in the lonesome corner among rem-tech displays. She couldn’t imagine blubbering her events with Lexi to Ryder when they stopped by; the idea of anyone realizing that she had more to deal with that she probably could was out of the question. As a result, she fed Ryder a lie by omission, placing her displeasure on the angaran progress on remtech in comparison to her own rather than the thing details that tugged at her.

The curse to her stupor was the recollection of the way Lexi looked at her on the Tempest, sure of her absolute disdain buried under her stony expression and professional answers. Whatever lingering hope that she may one day mend what wounds she may have caused—for what honestly felt like the hundredth time—were buried in the quickly rising thought that Lexi and Kalinda were  _ exactly _ alike.

Though their upbringing rang opposite their mindsets were dangerously similar, entitlement embodied by projected intelligence. Not that she didn’t stand in their league in intellectual comparison, but that they, even at similar levels of intellect, made her feel lesser than them. Kalinda, in her age, superimposed the fallacy of wisdom at the will of age and entitlement bred from the silver spoon she grew up suckling—as if her being smart in anyway helped damper the pompous attitude she meandered around with. Kalinda could make her feel small, unimportant, dependent, simply on a whim if she chose to.

Lexi, on the other hand, looked at her as if she were a test dummy, some maiden that needed to be solved, examined. Everything in her mannerisms spoke to a supposition of superiority sitting atop a sense of responsibility—as if her job was to mother them all to death. Her questions and conversations were a guise to decipher, to lure into a sense of comfort until she could dissect the finer details of personalities and subscribe them to some psychological buzzword for treatment. Lexi could shrink someone’s personality down to diagnoses without a bat of the eye. It was belittling in her own way, cunning in another in the way she went about it.  

Her retaliations at Lexi, though, were empty victories, something that after the course of events would feel hollow or filled with guilt over the misguided misdirection. At the end of the day, Peebee knew full and well that Lexi had never done her any wrong, and perhaps never intended to. Her dislike was clearly a piss poor way of dealing with an issue she had no intention of dealing with. It felt good to exact her frustrations on the easiest target, even if that target was undeserving of it.

_ She’s a robot anyway _ , Peebee chuckled to herself at the thought, feeling herself tipping and caught herself before it became a full motion only to feel herself sway in the opposite. Another chuckle left her after a few taunting “beep-boop” noises were slurred under her breath. The short smile she held brought to light the last time she smiled due to the maiden, both in the medbay.  _ Two times _ , she thought decisively, both blurred flashes of the exact things she felt and not what was being said between them.

_ But they don't matter,  _ just like how every sweet memory with Kalinda was unceremoniously tarnished by the way she treated her. Why it took her so long to realize Kalinda's mistreatment of her was a mystery to her. Even now, Kalinda's grip felt as though it could grab at her neck at any point remained a haunting realization that she didn't want to walk down the same road again and that she may not have the choice to deny it.

The flurry of realizations and back and forth thinking left her with a headache, wishing that Lexi had never crossed her path and that Kalinda would stop trying to. 

[ * ]

It remained to be completely daunting, to Lexi’s standards, that she let herself come so far to be met with the idea that someone had already unknowingly brought the recollection of her unsavory romantic past back to light. Peebee’s words were unforgettable, each word memorized, studied, and relived in observation of the reflective truths of the matter. Of course, as she did then, Lexi didn’t believe the hurtful words were caused by her direct action, not after being left in better spirits prior; that hadn’t changed the fact that the words had indeed hurt her.

What was worse was the teasing. Peebee was intelligent, a fact that she would never disregard or take for granted; when Peebee began to openly and very obviously subject her to frequent taunting, Lexi knew there was maybe something more to the matter. If not directly correlating to their association with one another, than something indirect, a realization that there was the possibility that their views of each other were growing far too fond. Peebee’s fear of commitment and latent immaturity and dealing with that same fear made her a likely target.

In the way that the same consideration passed after taking whatever form of jest Peebee passed on, she cursed herself for being so analytical about it, trying to find reasons, solutions to the equations that Peebee unknowingly set up. Proving the point made, and the several points made over the years of her life. It became a noticeable trend when the analytical portion of her mind was celebrated academically but chastised in relationships. Solving the ins and outs of the anatomical body didn’t transfer well to the same methods applied romantically. Every person was their own cognitive equation, considering the intricacies of personality, the reason for action and inaction. She saw them, her past partners, in a way that reflected a comforting method of expressing her affection.

She found love in the way she studied and dissected the multitude of diversity in anatomy in several species across the galaxy, the beauty in each expressed in small intricate details. Lexi had hoped to share that same love with a partner, though different in nature, discerning the two became a more trying task than she imagined.

That was why, she guessed, that even though Peebee’s words had hurt her they weren’t unfamiliar to her. What caused the lingering pain with the thought that even in a new galaxy something as clandestine as love would remain unobtainable, that she may continue to be unlovable.

She thought it impolite in the celebratory moods of finally gaining the trust of the angara to let those thoughts stew in her mind. Aya was undoubtedly captivating, the flora gorgeously incorporated into the boulevards that weaved along the hillside. It was worth taking in, enough so that she spent several moments off the Tempest simply to sit among the people, find warmth in the glowering sun and peace of mind in the warm gentle breeze.

It reminded her of Thessia, the places she visited in comparison to the harsh ominous skyline that omega pretended to sport under dark red haze felt like small imitations of what paradise truly meant. It gave space to thoughts that felt cluttered and congested in tight spaces, gave her room to breathe. It took short moments to find a place of tranquility, clarity of mind but they were short lived.

_ “Is Peebee still in the museum?”  _ Easily identified as Ryder in the communication channel the tempest held in private from the angara just in case. Even the name sent a mix of displeasure and mild infatuation. She thought it funny that of all places Peebee would find herself in a place like Aya it would be the museum.

_ “Think so.”  _ Liam hastily answered, “ _ Last I heard she was nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant.” _

_ “She was-- wait, what?”  _ Cora said, sighing.  _ “Nevermind, if Peebee is wasted in the museum someone should collect her before we have a political incident. Should also have her escorted to the medbay.” _

Their words gave her pause, her initial reaction was to stand, find Peebee, check on her status, but she remained seated. The move alone would be considered intrusive in Peebee’s mind and therefore unwelcomed. There was no reason to extend a hand of assistance if it would only be adamantly rejected. However, unless Peebee was in danger, or faced bodily harm, there was no reason why she should put the extra effort only to be chastised once again.

There was a moment of static, a myriad of feedback that made her flinch away from the earpiece. “ _ I don’t need _ -“ Peebee’s words sounding distant before they cut off, and then back again at more audible volumes. “ _ I don’t appreciate you guys trying to—“ _ a hiccup interrupted her, Lexi’s brows furrowing,  _ “—trying to serve me up be dissected _ .”

Lexi hadn’t intended on participating on the conversation, letting it play out seemed to be the better decision. Upon hearing another dissection joke, as if the process was so easy, she said, “I'm sure that Peebee, if she needs it, will find her way to the medbay,” said flatly. “Though I'm sure she can manage on her own.”

“ _ Finally _ !” Peebee half blurted into the comm line. “ _ You finally get it _ .” Her hiccup making another sound in the comms before she said, “I’ll be  _ fiiiiine.” _

_ “Lexi?”  _ Ryder said shortly, _ “be on stand-by… please.” _

Lexi suppressed her sigh, noting her own exasperation at knowing that even if Peebee would adamantly resist relinquishing herself into her care, Lexi couldn’t help but feel concern for her.

With a final, “Of course, Ryder.” As her answer, Lexi remained seated for a few seconds before standing from her chosen spot to return to the Tempest. It was a cautionary choice, deciding to prepare if Peebee would be brought to the medbay to be taken care of, not wanting to look unprepared. For a moment on her trek back, Lexi decided instead to take a moment of, what she considered, selfish indulgence and  remembered Peebee not as the current deriding force in her life but as the asari who had, at one point, made her feel happy.

-

It wasn’t the hangover she regretted, nor the fact that Vetra personally hand delivered her to the medbay after she became unknowingly belligerent. What Peebee regretted was being placed in a situation that only garnered additional guilt—being brought back in Lexi’s charge. The first hour or so before falling asleep remained a blur, fragmented flashes of an out of perspective journey between the museum and the medbay. After waking up in the medbay, scanning terminals arching over her curled body, and a pillow and blanket added to her medical bed itinerary, Peebee was adamant on getting up by the induced pounding in her skull by sudden movement.

The first voice she heard was Lexi’s speaking about something along the lines of dehydration and electrolytes, two things she could have cared less about over the dull throb in cranium.

“—are dimmed in case you’re experiencing a sensitivity to light.” Clear, concise and most of all,  _ robotic.  _ It felt impersonal, like she was… well a patient not a person. However, Peebee’s expectations weren’t any higher than that. Lexi had proven time and time again that she, and the other members of the Tempest were nothing but patients, Identification numbers that saw a little more danger than the rest of the Nexus Community and had to be babysat via her. Peebee balled her fist into under the blanket, only the top half of her face above the bridge of her nose exposed enough to squint at Lexi who sat comfortably at the medbay work station.

“If the lights are still too bright I can—“

“They’re fine.” Her voice muffled, hoarse, under the blankets, but clearly still audible by the expression Lexi gave.

“So, you are coherent, a good sign.” Lexi said, her gaze towards Peebee short, observant. “Behind you, on the panel surface is a glass of water. I suggest drinking it.”

“Already know the drill.” Peebee said, clearing her throat only to be faced with the dry spell it was enduring and the pain that came with the action. She turned over to reach for the glass, her first attempt at a sip made without sitting up properly and spilled on the medical bed’s surface. “Don’t think Vetra could smuggle a few straws, do you?” Lexi didn’t answer, and when Peebee turned back over—mostly to void the new wet spot—Lexi’s attention remained plastered to the datapad in her hand, slightly swiveling in the chair by the applied pressure of her foot to the floor. Peebee sunk back under blankets, the edges circling just under her eyes, unable to look away from the maiden.

She didn’t expect any pleasantries beyond what she was required professionally, the same blah blah jargon she usually spouted that, in the eyes of anyone else, would probably be worth heeding.

But Peebee saw it differently, saw Lexi differently.

She’s met doctors, dealt with psychology majors and psychologists, and crossed paths with asari that could almost rival her in degrees, almost. Each one of them had their qualities that she saw as an annoyance, almost exclusively dealing in straightforward depositions about their guesses about her psychological make up. The difference then was they had been open about it, honest even, made it abundantly clear that they wanted to label her, assign her to some group, make a play at understanding her. They were easier to deal with then, the task of ignoring and avoiding made easy by a simple permanent trip elsewhere.

Lexi proved to be different. Her methods weren’t straight forward, but believed to be disguised by an effort to create personal relationships, even cultivate friendships. It wasn’t exactly underhanded, but devised another layer of deceit to sift through when choosing to answer any question, personal or professional.

It bothered her enough to grumble a displeased and jeering, “Have you diagnosed me yet?”

To the question, Lexi simply raised a brow, pausing in her motions but not looking away from her datapad, “Are you ill?”

“No, but I know you’ve been trying to figure me out.”

“Figure you out?” Lexi parroted, the slight lilt in her words speaking to confusion.

“ _ Yes _ —tell me what’s wrong with me, why I am the way I am.”

Lexi set the datapad down, turning chair to face Peebee. “You know,” Lexi started, a short laugh at the end of her words, “it’s difficult to take you seriously when you’re glaring at me from under a blanket, but if you must know, I have no idea. Diagnosing you wasn’t exactly on my to-do list.”

“ _ Sure _ .” Peebee scoffed, closing her eyes momentarily, before asking, “Where are we? The Tempest.”

“Eos. Kallo suggested a trip back and Ryder was happy to oblige.”

“Anyone on the ship?”

“Besides Kallo, Suvi and Gil? No.”

“ _ Great _ .” Peebee groaned, wanting to take another drink of the water but unhappily ware of Lexi’s attention on her—having Dr.T’Perro watch her drink water like a dribbling baby sprouted bouts on premature embarrassment. She much rather lay in silence, or better, leave the medbay entirely simply to be out of Lexi’s presence. Even as she festered in her thoughts, Lexi returned to her datapad, back to swiveling in her chair.

In an idle state Peebee was left in a place of observation, that Lexi was the only viable subject matter worth focusing on and therefore, let her half-lidded gaze settle comfortably there. Now that she considered it, Peebee realized that the motions Lexi decided upon were some part childish, her chair turning back and forth, fidgeting as a way to hold focus, or maybe express that she wasn’t focused at all. The concurrent thought being nuanced into simplicity that the motions were also some parts cute. It reminded her that the last they were in the medbay together they kissed, and that alone served as a viable distraction if any; that maybe if put in the same location with the same, if not similar, circumstances, that they would kiss again.

It would take more than just the coincidental physical examination to lay any tension of perspective physicality to bring them to a final breaking point. They were at a crossroads, streets that spelled desire and despair that intersected at an inconvenience. Where her dislike and likeness of Lexi often came with the criminalizing thoughts of Kalinda that soured the mood entirely.

But she couldn’t remember the last time she could recall calling anything Kalinda did cute.

[ * ]

It was impractical, Lexi believed, to try and be so inconspicuous about her lack of focus. The words on the datapad were being scanned by her eyes but the data was not retained or remembered by the time she reached the bottom of the page. As Ryder had guessed, Peebee’s stupor on Aya ended with a trip back to the medbay leaving Lexi to face the memories of a similar situation.

But it was made clear, by Peebee’s never ending glare, and insinuations of a pending diagnosis that the last situation would remain a memory and nothing more. Lexi believed that it was for the better, that they kept their distances, played out in some faux friendly rivalry that wouldn’t even cross the minds of their crew members.

Even so, she found herself troubled by the duality of her own thoughts. That she could simultaneously find herself begrudging an encounter with Peebee and wishing for one. Faced with the same attitudes consistently and still being met with emotions that she should have chided herself for. It was no secret that Peebee could be rude, hurtful, but in those moods, she was in a discernable place that she could no more judge than guess.

Lexi wanted to ask what had happened the day Peebee snapped at her, what changed between earlier and the moment she so decidedly declared nothing but dislike for her. Firmly believing than an honest answer would never come, Lexi decided against it, decided against continuing any thought that would place her into another spot of vulnerability towards Peebee. Even as she noticed Peebee begin to slip into a nap, she could help but notice how the way she looked pulled at her heartstrings. Even though she had spent the short span of time awake glaring and posing accusations, Peebee looked pleasant, adorable even.

It was the only thought after so many that she allowed to stay, that in that moment Peebee looked at peace, tired but at peace, under the protection of the blanket she twisted herself in.

Had Lexi been an opportunist, and in better standing with the maiden, she would have taken a picture, but instead simply enjoyed the moment.


	6. Improper Execution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it's here, next chapter. Honestly I revamped the first 5 (again) and this one was longer however with all the pieces I had in it better fit as its own chapter (aptly named 'Proper Execution'). Once again sorry for the wait for those who were maybe possibly waiting.

What continuously became a reconsidered concept was that of romantic absolution; not along the lines of a pardon to her mildly sybaritic fantasies but for even considering it. What Lexi knowingly starved for was a lingering connection that, if it had never been initiated, it would have not bothered her today or any other day. However, the ever haunting “what if” became more of a maxim than a passing thought. It was abrasive, gripped her by the heart and reminded her of the lucrative extent that the possibility of love could bring.

But it **wasn’t** love, she noted firmly, it was admiration of possibilities—a very clear case of thunderous and incurable infatuation.

Peebee, and that of her ilk, wasn’t made for love. It was the short fire of passion and curiosity that she felt in their memorable encounter that represented the entirety of her romantic being. The idea of her heart being capable of being tied to another was incredulous, and in knowing that she felt heartbreak after every swell. The very admittance of that on its own made her laugh humorlessly, self-pity apparent in every airy exhale. It was hopeless, the attachment her heart seemed set on that her mind saw the clarity in its inevitable flaws.

It was easier to conclude that it wasn’t knowing love that she truly wanted from Peebee, or anyone else for that matter, but simply experiencing; though she once again clarified to herself that it was **not** love. More in point, she gave in to the idea that her thoughts and feelings stemmed from an age-old habit that she considered overdue. In the past, the same habit showed itself impulsively, grabbing and gripping at the nearest heart in hopes of a connection. That connection was then torn apart, dissected into the facets of her liking in the hopes of finding something nameless and reassuring. She sought the same reassurances in reticent actions, to be seen as untrustworthy words of doubt, when they were anything but.

In the most recent past, when she was alone during what they considered the night cycle and the drive core hummed its own engineered lullaby through the night and the whispering vents its orchestra, it made her heart splinter into discernable shards of overtly lucid daydreams. They were always the same—fingers gripped at arms in leather, close leanings to shared whispered words through dreamy smiles where lips drifted closely with every word. Their conversations meaningless, an inauthentic reason simply crafted so she could be close to her.

Occasionally, she let herself linger into uncharted territories of her sexual psyche to explore the confines of her heart’s inclinations. They were fanciful ideas of passionate encounters that made every touch a considerable show of communication, or better, that they would say more than words could ever begin to describe. It would be the gibberish of the heart, that it could not be heard or translate but wholly known by two who could understand the unique message being sent from one touch to the next. It was no simple thing, Lexi knew, to let herself delve into those long day dreams, though it never deterred her from them.

The more it persisted over time, the more Lexi found herself teetering on the edges of action. Inflated Ideals of romantic encounters turned to an undeniable desire to try, to face Peebee with some sort of cinematic admission with cliché results of ordained love and affection. Any encounter they may have had, be it a short passing in Tempest halls or patching minor injuries between tasks, the thoughts would linger at the surface of her mind curious but reserved. Lexi wondered if she clawed at the idea of companionship simply for intimacy; the modesty of the honest touch of a lover and nothing more.

However, after several moments of contemplating the state of her “it's not love” phrase she realized what she wanted was closure. What she had with Peebee was a strictly gray area simply caused by Peebee’s waning actions and u predictable attitudes. Lexi felt that there was no way to discern their relation with one another based off the encounters they had where half played friendly and the others not. There was a need for distinct clarity of what they were to each other, the defining word for their relation.

She wondered, if possible, that when Peebee sought her company once again or fell into it unwillingly, if she could coax the action; an admission would be preferred, confronted with the results of her deeds. It would have to be a mix of inquiry and a challenge, a clear act to outsmart to pull her ego into play to force a decision. But she doubted it; in her thoughts, she still took Peebee's probable reactions into account, namely her ability to play the escape artist at will.

Lexi decided to remain a bystander in her own issues, let herself believe that her desire for control over an uncontrollable situation lose prominence in her thoughts and consideration. In favor, she chose to stick to the wandering thoughts, choosing not to fight them when they came and let them run their course in her mind and heart until the would fade. Lexi surmised that whatever she thought may happen between them was and would be nothing more than a fleeting daydream.

The sudden gyration of the Tempest interrupted any other concluding thoughts that served as a matter of placating the situation. Initially she wondered if it was the Archon again, sending a member of his fleet, or the elite brand of soldiers they hunted the Luscinia with to hunt the Tempest down.  It made her stand, tune into comms that she had previously muted for a moment to herself. When she tuned in the first she heard was Peebee’s plan, a hair brained scheme that had them hurtling at a dangerous planet via escape pod. Her immediate response was panic.

-

It was imperfect in every way, from methodology to structure—her plan. Crafted simply on impulse and executed by the same distinct idiosyncrasy she was known for, Peebee faced the imperfections of an imperfect plan only to be met at a personal impasse. The truth of her past with Kalinda and how it contended with the concept of forgiveness.

She wanted to forgive Kalinda, an urge similar to the one that had resurfaced when it was made clear that she didn’t want Kalinda dead.

It was a part of herself that Peebee feared meant she was slipping back into Kalinda’s grip, how she hooked and preyed on Peebee’s capacity to forgive only to turn back against her. She considered it sentimental, a move made on the foundation of an expansive history, and floating across the cosmos with nothing but old memories buried in its enigmatic existence. She didn’t hate Kalinda, not at her core.  

But she was sure that in knowing that she didn't want Kalinda dead, her own peril made it clear that she didn't feel attached. Her feelings, or what she could gather herself weren't left an in an unincorporated gray that tended to fault to it's last affliction. They diverted to Lexi, and remained in a condition she didn't think likely--occupied.

Lexi, unlike Kalinda, had been understanding and open to her regardless of the way she talked to her or made her feel. Peebee knew that it couldn't have just been because of her but because Lexi, at her core, was that way and it was what she wanted.

For every moment on that uncharted planet that her life was in danger, a persistent reality was that if she perished the chance to know whether or not Lexi would one day be open to her would immediately be taken away.

That, along with the realization that she wanted to stay with the Tempest crew, convinced her to do the unthinkable--stay.

Before she confessed her new epiphany to the entire crew, Peebee made it a point to speak with Lexi first.

-

Lexi, in an effort to remain level headed, put off reading any report as a result of Peebee's surprise excursion. It wasn't to a point that she was clearly avoiding it, but simply left it at the bottom of her to-do list before cycle’s end.

Lexi had never been faced with a situation where she could physically feel helplessness manifested in a way that jarred her nerves to the point of sickness. It wasn't enough to know that Ryder and Drack had been on that planet with her, but the she feared for their lives and safety, especially Peebee.

Through recent days, she found comfort in placing her emotions in someone unobtainable. The risk of facing old wounds dared to marry her emotional state to the point that she'd spend more periods docked at the bar than in the med bay.

Lexi sat in the med bay in the final hours of the cycle with the last report ready to be reviewed and yet she hesitated to even pick up the datapad. She knew what it would say, how they were stranded, how much danger they were in and what kind of damage was a result. She could see the images in her head, all three stuck between impossi le terrain, lava, and unexpected mercenaries that only wished to bring them closer to death.

The sound of the medbay doors opening behind her pulled her back to the real world, turning in chair to see Peebee standing in the doorway.

“Peebee? Are you alright?” Lexi moved to stand from her chair, waved Peebee in who didn't move from her spot outside the door. In silence Peebee sat a data disc just over the threshold of the medbay leaving it behind as she walked away, doors closing with the data disc still on the floor.

Lexi sighed, wondered if it maybe more to the report that Ryder left out. When she picked it up, used her omnitool to check the contents, there was a singular audio file within it. Before deciding to play it she returned to her seat where the report still rested, waiting to be looked over.

-

_Lexi, well Dr. T’Perro, it's Peebee--but you… probably already knew that.  Anyways, I've been thinking a lot, about… well a lot of things. I know that we haven't seen eye to eye on… a lot--well, you probably know that too. I mean, you were there for it so._

_Ugh...What I'm trying to say is that I like you. I like that you're understanding and open and I think about… well, ‘us’ more than I know I should. And I know that you said you didn't want to cross some… what did you say? professional, doctor patient line or whatever and I get that but I thought ‘why the hell not!’ It wouldn't hurt to, you know, try--like really try, a real try._

_Well… uh… if you don't want to you can just go back to what you're doing, pretend this never happened. But if you do, you know where to find me--or maybe not, the escape pod is gone. Dammit, I'll just be around! The tempest of course. That could have gon--_

-

At the end of the recording Lexi stood bound by the constraints of two very different emotions; being enamored and dealing with a developing consternation.

The recording itself felt like it could have been something conjured up in some quixotic daydream thought of by the fanciful parts of the subconscious, and she was currently dreaming. It was an admission of interest, one she didn't expect.

Lexi started to believe that maybe there was something wrong with her, that instead of finding herself swooned over the words that remained as a gentle echo in her mind she questioned it. She, by habit, couldn't help but comparison and contrast their moments together, their interactions, separating the pleasant daydreams for the realistic moments that help the truth.

Peebee drew her in and pushed her away. Peebee was distinctly charming and endearing but turned combative and argumentative on whims that were unexplained and questionable. Those realizations and recollections battled with her own truth in an attempt to disprove that she liked Peebee.

It turned to a point that she wondered if she liked Peebee because of the conceived parts of her derived from the pleasant moments between them. When broached with any internal discussion about her daydreams it became clear that her mind may have embellished the idealistic image of Peebee she held.

However, she didn't leave out the fact that if she were to pass on the opportunity that it may never arise again. If it came to be that she desperately wanted to voice her own affections to Peebee, she may face the same rejection she was considering.

Lexi sat the data disc on the desk's surface and spent several moments in silence, her gaze fixed on the object of her internal quarrels. What she thought was some parts funny was that she only sought to vet the validity of the recording and what it meant and not any possible ramifications of the personal breach of code not to date patients. It became a footnote in her considerations, where there were plenty of excuses to ignore it that she didn't immediately reject.

The only absolute in her mind was that she would have to give Peebee an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And she will, next chapter. Thanks for the read o:!


End file.
